Dining out with a group: an ethics question
Posted: Sat Aug 25, 2012 11:49 am
I admit that I'm the type of person that gets riled up at perceived slights -- people barging in line or interrupting at outdoor food markets; telemarketers calling me about reducing my interest rates who, when I tell them I have no loans and would like to get off their call list, immediately disconnect without a word; etc. I usually get riled up silently. I'm not one to pick fights unless there is no other option, and as far as I can remember, there have always been other options. But because I get annoyed so easily, I often question my own judgment about what is fair. I have to remember to be assertive, to not be a pushover, while at the same time not come off as a jerk.
So, recently my wife and I met up with a friend of hers and her boyfriend. We made reservations at a nice restaurant and everyone showed up on time. After we received our appetizers and began to eat, the friend looked at her phone and then grabbed our waiter. "Can we move to a bigger table, because I think another person is going to join us." She didn't say anything to me or my wife about it. "I'll check."
The ladies went to the bathroom, leaving me and the boyfriend at the table. The waiter came over with an assistant manager and the latter's face was flushed. "I need to know if that fifth person is really joining you because we're giving you someone else's table." I was embarrassed and said that I didn't know, she'd have to talk it out with the boyfriend, news to me, etc. "She's definitely coming." So we moved. 5th person did show up.
Food was great, conversation was great. The bill comes. "Should we split this down the middle?", boyfriend says. As I pull out my credit card, the fifth person slides her card down the table toward me. Boyfriend says, "No." So, I send her card back to her. As I do this, I realize that I'm treating this stranger who showed up unannounced, or within 5 minutes of the announcement in the middle of a reserved meal.
But, whatever. I try to shrug it off. In both the culture of my wife's friend AND that of the 5th person, it's no big deal to ask anything of the waitstaff. The tables are usually round in those countries. The customer is king, even in a packed restaurant that will seemingly always have plenty of business. And, I wonder, maybe it's rude to request that we split things 40-60, as my wife and I are 2 people out of 5, and I barely know anyone else. I certainly didn't know the 5th person from Adam (er, from Eve). Then again, we're in the States. Does my culture count?
But, what exactly is the rule in my culture?
In the end, I just split it 50-50 with the boyfriend, and the 5th person muttered something about treating us to drinks at the restaurant's bar.
We had a few drinks, and an hour later I again reached for my card, almost as a pretense. I told the bartender I was ready to settle up, and since apparently we weren't going to be treated, I paid our share. (I actually got a bill for much more than my and my wife's total of 3 drinks, but that's another story). A little late to renegotiate the dinner bill, eh?
Would it have been rude to ask for the 40-60 split? Does it depend on your age, wealth, and how well you know the people you're with? I had met the friend once before, and the other two people were new to both me and to my wife. Am I a curmudgeon? Am I out of touch with the way these things are handled nowadays?
So, recently my wife and I met up with a friend of hers and her boyfriend. We made reservations at a nice restaurant and everyone showed up on time. After we received our appetizers and began to eat, the friend looked at her phone and then grabbed our waiter. "Can we move to a bigger table, because I think another person is going to join us." She didn't say anything to me or my wife about it. "I'll check."
The ladies went to the bathroom, leaving me and the boyfriend at the table. The waiter came over with an assistant manager and the latter's face was flushed. "I need to know if that fifth person is really joining you because we're giving you someone else's table." I was embarrassed and said that I didn't know, she'd have to talk it out with the boyfriend, news to me, etc. "She's definitely coming." So we moved. 5th person did show up.
Food was great, conversation was great. The bill comes. "Should we split this down the middle?", boyfriend says. As I pull out my credit card, the fifth person slides her card down the table toward me. Boyfriend says, "No." So, I send her card back to her. As I do this, I realize that I'm treating this stranger who showed up unannounced, or within 5 minutes of the announcement in the middle of a reserved meal.
But, whatever. I try to shrug it off. In both the culture of my wife's friend AND that of the 5th person, it's no big deal to ask anything of the waitstaff. The tables are usually round in those countries. The customer is king, even in a packed restaurant that will seemingly always have plenty of business. And, I wonder, maybe it's rude to request that we split things 40-60, as my wife and I are 2 people out of 5, and I barely know anyone else. I certainly didn't know the 5th person from Adam (er, from Eve). Then again, we're in the States. Does my culture count?
But, what exactly is the rule in my culture?
In the end, I just split it 50-50 with the boyfriend, and the 5th person muttered something about treating us to drinks at the restaurant's bar.
We had a few drinks, and an hour later I again reached for my card, almost as a pretense. I told the bartender I was ready to settle up, and since apparently we weren't going to be treated, I paid our share. (I actually got a bill for much more than my and my wife's total of 3 drinks, but that's another story). A little late to renegotiate the dinner bill, eh?
Would it have been rude to ask for the 40-60 split? Does it depend on your age, wealth, and how well you know the people you're with? I had met the friend once before, and the other two people were new to both me and to my wife. Am I a curmudgeon? Am I out of touch with the way these things are handled nowadays?
