Ridiculous Euphemisms

[Tortoise]

What do you think are some of the most ridiculous euphemisms ever devised? I think some of the best are office-related due to the inherently distasteful and dehumanizing nature of daily work in a large, hierarchically structured office.

One of my favorites is "rightsize," a euphemism for downsize. ("We're not making the size of the company's workforce smaller... we're making it right!") The word downsize is already a euphemism for a layoff, which itself used to be a euphemism for termination of employment. Euphemisms can be ridiculous enough by themselves, but euphemisms layered on top of euphemisms? Now that's taking it to a whole new level!

We all know employees have strengths, but they do not have weaknesses--they have improvement opportunities.

We didn't screw up. We just have lessons learned for next time.

[FarmerD]

What do you think are some of the most ridiculous euphemisms ever devised? I think some of the best are office-related due to the inherently distasteful and dehumanizing nature of daily work in a large, hierarchically structured office.

One of my favorites is "rightsize," a euphemism for downsize. ("We're not making the size of the company's workforce smaller... we're making it right!") The word downsize is already a euphemism for a layoff, which itself used to be a euphemism for termination of employment. Euphemisms can be ridiculous enough by themselves, but euphemisms layered on top of euphemisms? Now that's taking it to a whole new level!

We all know employees have strengths, but they do not have weaknesses--they have improvement opportunities.

We didn't screw up. We just have lessons learned for next time.

Scott Adams talks about this very euphemism in one of his books.   
"You're fired."  (1980)
"You're laid off."  (1985)
"You're downsized."  (1990)
"You're rightsized."  (1992)

I expect the trend to continue.  You'll hear the following phrases used within the next five years:
"You're happysized!"
"You're splendidsized!"
"You're orgasmsized!"

[MediumTex]

Collateral Damage = Innocent people getting blown up

Value Proposition = We would like you to buy what we are selling

Centers of Excellence = Small towns where we set up call centers because the people there will work for minimum wage

The "Optics" of a Situation = We are concerned that people are going to see what we are really trying to do

[moda0306]

Politically Incorrect - Probably simply incorrect

Working Class - People least likely to want to work (though I'm still a bit of a populist... I just see this as a bs term when some of the richest people out there work 60 hour weeks their entire life).

Values Voter - Someone whose moral compass is dictated by a fairy tale book, their parents' biases, and a reactionary preacher.

[FarmerD]

Of course, nobody can wordsmith quite like the military

aerodynamic personnel decelerator          parachute
emergency exit light                              flashlight
multidirectional impact generator              hammer
intrafibrous friction fastener                    hammer
Attacked the enemy on all sides       ambushed
Rotatable hexiform compression unit          nut
Meal Ready to Eat (MRE)                          dried food or C-Ration
Hard landing                                          crash
Engaged the enemy on all sides                ambushed
area denial munitions                                landmines
operational exhaustion                              shell shock
pacify                                                        subdue by force
Engagement                                              battle.

[FarmerD]

In the military I attended probably a million meetings.  After a few years I developed my own version of word Bingo.  My scorcard used expressions like:

call out
ramp up
wingman
pushback
outside the box
plan for excellence
the bottom line
cover up

I guess the last one in the list is more of a trite expression rather than a true euphemism. 

[MediumTex]

Task Saturation = I have too much to do

[SteveGo]

Attended a million meetings = Believe me if I just make up stuff

[craigr]

As a general rule I hate most business books and the buzzwords they spawn. I've had to put up recently with this one:

Pivot

Aka: We screwed up and need to change direction.

[bigamish]

Within higher ed, I am constantly being asked by upper administrators to explore achieving greater "educational efficiency" from my science faculty.  This is a less than subtle nudge to offer more online courses.

[FarmerD]

Attended a million meetings = Believe me if I just make up stuff

Sadly, I had to attend all of the following plus the numerous flight, squadron, and group weekly meetings (probably 10 more meetings in total).

Aerospace Medicine Council                                  Sq Flt CC Meeting                                                                 
Base Unit Deployment Manager Meeting              Threat Working Group                                                         
Federal Employee Compensation Act mgt            Infection Control Committee           
Environment of Care Committee                          Patient care Operations Course
Cost Center Managers Meeting                            Confined Space Work Group
Occupational Health Working Group                    Unit Safety Meeting
Local Emergency Planning Committee                Water Mgt Working Group
Toxics (Lead/asbestos) Working Group                Wg Readiness Working Group
Environmental Compliance Subcommittee            Water Mgt Working Group
Environmental Compliance Subcommittee            Facility Utilization Board
Spill Prevention and Response Work Group          ERAA Board
Hazardous/ Special Waste Working Group          Energy Steering Committee
Force Protection Working Group                          Disaster Team Chiefs                                       
Exercise Evaluation Team meeting                        Flight team meeting
Medical Readiness Staff Function Meeting            OJT Monitors Meeting
Exercise Evaluation Team meeting                        Antiterrorism Working Group
Volunteer protection program (VPP) mgt              HSMR meeting
Wing Unit Deployment manger Mgt                    Squadron/Gp Budget mgt
Readiness Skills Verification meeting              ESOHCAMP Working Group
Emergency Working Group                                  OJT Monitors Meeting
OJT Monitors Meeting 
Environmental Safety & Occupational Health Committee 

[Tortoise]

I like MT's mention of collateral damage. That has to be one of the most disturbing euphemisms ever invented.

Here are some dating-related euphemisms that amuse me:

"We need to talk" = We need to have a 2-hour argument. I've compiled a laundry list of reasons why I'm pissed off at you, and I'm going to bring them up one by one.

"I think we should take a break"/"I think we should spend some time apart" = We're finished. In fact, I already have a new boyfriend lined up--you just don't know it yet.

"Our decision to split up was mutual" = I lost interest in him, then my resentment caused me to drive him so crazy with criticism and fights that he eventually agreed that splitting up was a great idea.

"He's a really nice guy" = I will never sleep with him. But I'll sleep with his tattoo-covered cousin who acts like a jerk. I just can't figure that guy out, and for some strange reason it really turns me on!

[Jan Van]

Tortoise, did you forget "it's not you, it's me..."?

[Tortoise]

Tortoise, did you forget "it's not you, it's me..."?

Huh? You mean people who say that don't really mean it??

Wow... I need to sit down

[jackely]

Collateral Damage = Innocent people getting blown up

synonyms for ridiculous: ludicrous - laughable - absurd - funny - comical

Your description of the true meaning of collateral damage is right on MT but I don't think it is ridiculous

[Tortoise]

Tortoise, did you forget "it's not you, it's me..."?

Huh? You mean people who say that don't really mean it??

Wow... I need to sit down

By the way, has anyone here ever had someone say the exact words "it's not you, it's me" to them during a break-up? It's never happened to me, and I've never said it to anyone.

It's interesting to me that the statement is a very well-known cliché in our culture, yet I have a sneaking suspicion those words are uttered only in movies and TV shows for comedic effect.

[LifestyleFreedom]

The true facts
New and improved

But nothing can beat the genius of Steve Jobs:

How To Be a Genius: This Is Apple’s Secret Employee Training Manual
http://gizmodo.com/5938323/how-to-be-a- ... ing-manual
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Fh43ceXJ78

[S. Slate]

Of course, nobody can wordsmith quite like the military

aerodynamic personnel decelerator          parachute
emergency exit light                              flashlight
multidirectional impact generator              hammer
intrafibrous friction fastener                    hammer
Attacked the enemy on all sides       ambushed
Rotatable hexiform compression unit          nut
Meal Ready to Eat (MRE)                          dried food or C-Ration
Hard landing                                          crash
Engaged the enemy on all sides                ambushed
area denial munitions                                landmines
operational exhaustion                              shell shock
pacify                                                        subdue by force
Engagement                                              battle.

military are the best on this section.. there is not doubt.

[MediumTex]

Of course, nobody can wordsmith quite like the military

aerodynamic personnel decelerator          parachute
emergency exit light                              flashlight
multidirectional impact generator              hammer
intrafibrous friction fastener                    hammer
Attacked the enemy on all sides       ambushed
Rotatable hexiform compression unit          nut
Meal Ready to Eat (MRE)                          dried food or C-Ration
Hard landing                                          crash
Engaged the enemy on all sides                ambushed
area denial munitions                                landmines
operational exhaustion                              shell shock
pacify                                                        subdue by force
Engagement                                              battle.

military are the best on this section.. there is not doubt.

task saturation = very busy

[dualstow]

A great old thread.

tactical investing

[Tyler]

I expect the trend to continue.  You'll hear the following phrases used within the next five years:
"You're happysized!"
"You're splendidsized!"
"You're orgasmsized!"

Well, apparently "Funemployment" is a thing now.  You're good.

[Tortoise]

Ah, yes. I did enjoy this thread. A few more military-related terms I've heard in the business world recently:

"How engaged are your employees?": To what extent do your employees not hate their jobs?
"To engage with the customer": To talk with the customer (I guess talking with the customer often resembles battle)
"In a holding pattern": Doing nothing / no change

[MediumTex]

Ah, yes. I did enjoy this thread. A few more military-related terms I've heard in the business world recently:

"How engaged are your employees?": To what extent do your employees not hate their jobs?
"To engage with the customer": To talk with the customer (I guess talking with the customer often resembles battle)
"In a holding pattern": Doing nothing / no change

Near Miss = Near Hit

[dualstow]

"To engage with the customer": To talk with the customer (I guess talking with the customer often resembles battle)

yes! I hate that one.

[dualstow]

To the gentleman who posted the (now deleted?) question about patient (noun and adjective), they are in fact etymologically related.
I can see where you would view the noun as a euphemism. Makes sense!