Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

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Smith1776
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Smith1776 » Tue Nov 16, 2021 2:37 pm

Jack Jones wrote:
Fri Nov 12, 2021 11:40 am
Smith1776 wrote:
Fri Nov 12, 2021 4:01 am
Since leaving however I've been in a low place. Like, suicidally low. I've been hospitalized twice, had police intervention called to my house twice, and have had god knows how many hours of therapy. Some coping mechanisms (some of which have been maladaptive) have included: way too much weed; MDMA; sleeping with randoms; clubbing for the first time in 8 years; acupuncture; brain stimulation; antidepressants; laughing gas; and probably a bunch of others i'm forgetting.

I had attempted suicide like 3 times and wrote like a half dozen suicide notes (and kept deleting them).
Aw man, sorry to hear about that. Well, some if it sounds like a good time. O0 I also smoke too much weed, I've overdone it on MDMA, and have indulged in the laughing gas. I've also been diagnosed w/ depression and used to do therapy and took medication for it. Both were effective long-term.

Here is my healthy mind kit. If I stray on these things, things tend to go downhill.

- sleep (consistency, go to bed when it's dark, don't fight your circadianness)
- exercise
- meditation (exercise for the mind, sense of purpose, long term goal)
- food
- supplements:
- 1/2 a multivitamin
- fish oil
- magnesium
- choline (on non-egg days)
- acetyl L carnitine (helps w/ weed side effects)


Since you're comfortable w/ mind altering drugs, consider psilocybin w/ a skilled practitioner. On the other side of the spectrum, CBD is an anti-psychotic and may help with the substance use issues.

Also, there's an important principle that I tend to forget, the Principle of Existential Validation:
Any idea, or system of values, or religious system, anything that impinges on individual existence, can validate itself or disqualify itself by its consequences for the health and fulfillment of the individual. . . If it is life enhancing, health promoting, increasing the capacity for love, wisdom, and beneficence of the individual, if it makes it possible for an individual to realize his inner potential, if it brings one into greater harmony with the Fundamental Order of Existence, it is valid.

If it has a disruptive, pathogenic effect, it is not valid. This principle of existential validation liberates us from sectarianism and cultural isolation. It makes it possible to know what to consider seriously and appreciate and what can be dismissed out of hand. . . .If this marvelous principle were more universally understood, there would be no more intolerance or prejudice, xenophobia, fear, religious hostilities, or political strife. It would be a unifying principle.
In other words, observe what is working and what is not, and adjust accordingly. It's harder than it sounds because our existence is so habitual.

Finally, listen to some John Prine. It worked for me, Bill Murray, and Hunter S. Thompson.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDpZCZPMRJ8
Thank you for the practical advice and the healthy mind toolkit! It's exactly what I needed! Looks like I'll making a trip to my local GNC today... I'm in downtown Vancouver, so that works!

I am indeed looking into shrooms/psilocybin as part of my emotional healing and plan for the spiritual alleviation of my pain. I remember feeling significantly better after taking LSD last year (this was during another breakup).
I act as if God exists.

https://youtu.be/SG7mKcIVvQQ
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Smith1776 » Tue Nov 16, 2021 2:56 pm

pugchief wrote:
Fri Nov 12, 2021 1:03 pm
I was going to stay out of this, but WTF? This is some of the worst advice I have ever heard.

1. PSA to you religious guys: No one wants to find Jesus unless they are already into that.
2. PSA to you substance abusers: Suicidal people should stay as far away from drugs and alcohol as possible.
3. PSA to men (and women) everywhere: Stay away from relationships with people who are BPD, bipolar, or general crazy. As soon as you see any red flags, terminate immediately. There are plenty of normal people to date.

Literally the only good advice so far was to sleep normal hours, exercise, and eat healthy. And for goodness sake, take a shower.

Focus on yourself, making yourself the best version of you that is possible, and people of the opposite sex will come to you.

Your number 3 is something I should have paid attention to earlier this year. I didn't realize how strong my feelings for this person would develop, and how vulnerable her personality disorder would make me. My therapist called it a trauma bond. Something in the human psyche relating to the push-pull dynamic of an abusive relationship causes a ridiculous and totally irrational bond. I should have listened to you guys, period.

As for finding Jesus, as a follower of Jordan Peterson, I do consider myself spiritual and sort of quasi-religious. I don't believe in God per se, but I act as if God exists. Going to a new church as per Xan's advice did make me feel better. New people, new connections, new beginnings.

Staying away from drugs and alcohol... sound advice, generally speaking I think. However, based on my experiences with psychedelics and healing I think that some LSD or shrooms with an experienced trip sitter might not be the worst idea...

But yes, focusing on being the best Smith I can be... that's my top priority. What's helped me more than anything is just getting out of the house every day. Just don't stay inside... that to me has been key.
I act as if God exists.

https://youtu.be/SG7mKcIVvQQ
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Smith1776 » Tue Nov 16, 2021 2:57 pm

dualstow wrote:
Fri Nov 12, 2021 1:27 pm
Hi Smithers

I remember you said the wait for group therapy, or indeed any therapy, is long in Canada. Are you still on the list?
Hang in there, my friend. And you, too, Jack.
My therapy has finally started! Thank goodness. I've also been prescribed a medication called Abilify. O0
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https://youtu.be/SG7mKcIVvQQ
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Smith1776 » Tue Nov 16, 2021 3:08 pm

Desert wrote:
Fri Nov 12, 2021 1:39 pm
Mr. Smith, thanks for sharing. We haven't interacted a lot, and I don't have any magic solutions. But one thing that has always helped me is getting outside mid-day, regardless of weather, and getting some sun (or even cloudy natural light). Walking at a normal pace outdoors can work wonders in my life.

Another thing to consider is seeking out some volunteer work, helping folks who are economically downtrodden. I've done some financial counseling with such groups, and it's both incredibly frustrating and rewarding at the same time. This kind of work can really help calibrate one's thoughts and feelings. With the Holiday season approaching, there may be opportunities to do some simple things like serving meals at a shelter, delivering clothes, or something like that.

The world needs thoughtful people like you.

It's funny how you mentioned helping others with volunteer work. I don't have any formal volunteer stuff booked into my schedule, but I was looking to volunteer with the local crisis line. It's a resource I've used MANY times over the past 2 months, and frankly it has saved my life on a few occasions. Also, I've found myself giving change and buying food for random homeless people I pass by on the street now. I'm NOT saying i'm some sort of saint just cause I did a few things for randoms, but I definitely feel like my suffering has given me more empathy for the suffering of others...

I've also decided what I want to do with my life. I'd like to re-enter finance but now as part of the financial planning field. I want to help steward people's wealth through the vicissitudes of life and to lead them to a safe comfortable future of financial freedom. Financial destitution is not joke. It causes divorce, depression, suicide etc. Those topics now hit close to home.

And, of course, thank you so much for the compliments...
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https://youtu.be/SG7mKcIVvQQ
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Smith1776 » Tue Nov 16, 2021 3:09 pm

pp4me wrote:
Fri Nov 12, 2021 3:27 pm
I think you should wait and live your whole life before deciding whether it was worthwhile or not.

You never know what's going to happen and what do you really have to lose if your life is so bad that you are at rock bottom?

You could end up winning the lottery and marrying the most beautiful girl in the world.

Or things could get worse but you'll never know unless you play the game.
Yes, life is short enough... no need to end it prematurely. :-X
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https://youtu.be/SG7mKcIVvQQ
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Smith1776 » Tue Nov 16, 2021 3:17 pm

sophie wrote:
Fri Nov 12, 2021 6:27 pm
Jeez, I had the same reaction as pugchief. This is not a safe situation that Smith is describing.

Smith, your highest priority should be to get into regular counseling, 2-3x/week at least. If Canada is anything like the US, and I suspect it is, counseling is on a cash basis and that can be difficult. A good alternative is pastoral counseling through your church. Please do wander in and ask about this. Just tell them you need help, and is there a counseling service they can point you to. If you're in school (I forget if this was the case or not), the institution may also provide counseling services.

And, if you are feeling unsafe or considering hurting yourself, call someone right away. Someone tangible, I mean, who cares about you e.g. your parents. Or your GP, or anyone else you might want to talk to.

If this was all triggered by the abusive relationship, then it will pass eventually. Hang in there! It sounds like you've already figured out a few things that can help you through difficult moments, and that's good.

And, can you post every day to let us know how you're doing??

Saying a prayer for you. -- Sophie.
I have a counselling/therapy session in about an hour actually! Right now I'm sitting in a diner trying to enjoy normal life again until it starts. I do indeed pay out of pocket, but I also take part in publicly funded therapy that isn't quite as good (but that I'm still grateful for).

I do feel unsafe sometimes still, but I am stronger than I was a month ago. It doesn't really hurt any less. I really think I'm just coping better.

I'm happy to post regularly to show I'm still here. Thank you for your empathy and your caring.

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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Smith1776 » Tue Nov 16, 2021 3:19 pm

Thank you for the amazing responses, guys. I do feel cared about and loved. It's strange how I feel more connected to a bunch of strangers on an investing forum than I do with many of my actual in-person friends. Bizarre how that works.

I've been researching a lot on so-called post-traumatic growth. It is one of the things keeping me going: this idea that trauma can catalyze true improvements in quality of life and one's overall life results.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-traumatic_growth

In psychology, Posttraumatic growth (PTG) is a concept describing positive psychological change experienced as a result of struggling with highly challenging, highly stressful life circumstances.[1] These circumstances represent significant challenges to the adaptive resources of the individual, and pose significant challenges to the individual's way of understanding the world and their place in it.[1] Posttraumatic growth involves "life-changing" psychological shifts in thinking and relating to the world and the self, that contribute to a personal process of change, that is deeply meaningful.[1]
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by pp4me » Tue Nov 16, 2021 3:20 pm

You sound as totally fucked up as I was at your age.

Today I'm 72 and life is great. I did just return from a trip to Maui where me and my Filipino wife of 15 years got in a big fight because I got drunk drinking Blue Moon on the porch of our AirBnb and crying at the beautiful sunset just before we were supposed to go go dinner. We are stilling working through it though and I think it's going to work out fine.

My best friend blew his brains out in his parents home on Christmas Eve. He had a nervous breakdown during Air Force boot camp. I consider him a casualty of the war in Vietnam even though he never went there as I did. I was a pall bearer at his funeral. I do not recommend that course of action to anyone. It causes a lot of pain to those you leave behind.
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by dualstow » Tue Nov 16, 2021 4:39 pm

Smith1776 wrote:
Tue Nov 16, 2021 2:57 pm
dualstow wrote:
Fri Nov 12, 2021 1:27 pm
… the wait for group therapy, or indeed any therapy, is long in Canada..
My therapy has finally started! Thank goodness. I've also been prescribed a medication called Abilify. O0
i can’t tell you how happy i am to hear that it’s starting!
pp4me wrote:
Tue Nov 16, 2021 3:20 pm

Today I'm 72 and life is great. I did just return from a trip to Maui where me and my Filipino wife of 15 years got in a big fight because I got drunk drinking Blue Moon on the porch of our AirBnb and crying at the beautiful sunset just before we were supposed to go go dinner. We are stilling working through it though and I think it's going to work out fine.

If I had a nickel i-bond for every time I got sucked into a fight over nothing. O0
The Beatles started it - they did it the best, and everyone who came after them were a kind of Beatles tribute band. ~ Kurt Cobain
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by pp4me » Thu Nov 18, 2021 1:22 pm

I saw someone on the news last night, don't remember where, but they said that 1 in 4 college students had contemplated suicide during the month of June.

They attributed it to COVID but I don't know how true that is.

Anyway, Smith1776, you are apparently not alone.
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Xan » Thu Nov 18, 2021 2:21 pm

pp4me wrote:
Thu Nov 18, 2021 1:22 pm
I saw someone on the news last night, don't remember where, but they said that 1 in 4 college students had contemplated suicide during the month of June.

They attributed it to COVID but I don't know how true that is.

Anyway, Smith1776, you are apparently not alone.
Zdogg had a video recently on anxiety... Here it is:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E79oB-4ZCfw
Where the guest pointed out that EVERYBODY has some kind of suicidal thought from time to time and that's perfectly normal. She says it's a problem if it gets to the point where there's a specific plan and intent.

So a survey asking "have you contemplated suicide this month" might not say much. Maybe you could compare that survey with itself at different times and track a general trend.
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Smith1776 » Thu Nov 18, 2021 6:24 pm

pp4me wrote:
Thu Nov 18, 2021 1:22 pm
I saw someone on the news last night, don't remember where, but they said that 1 in 4 college students had contemplated suicide during the month of June.

They attributed it to COVID but I don't know how true that is.

Anyway, Smith1776, you are apparently not alone.
Definitely not. This is going to sound morbid, but even today (when i'm out of immediate danger), the idea of suicide is... comforting. It's this idea that I have trump card, a way out so to speak, if things get really bad again. Just having it in the proverbial back pocket is a point of comfort.

Sometimes I still wish that attempted cyanide purchase of the dark web went through.
I act as if God exists.

https://youtu.be/SG7mKcIVvQQ
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Smith1776 » Thu Nov 18, 2021 6:26 pm

Xan wrote:
Thu Nov 18, 2021 2:21 pm
pp4me wrote:
Thu Nov 18, 2021 1:22 pm
I saw someone on the news last night, don't remember where, but they said that 1 in 4 college students had contemplated suicide during the month of June.

They attributed it to COVID but I don't know how true that is.

Anyway, Smith1776, you are apparently not alone.
Zdogg had a video recently on anxiety... Here it is:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E79oB-4ZCfw
Where the guest pointed out that EVERYBODY has some kind of suicidal thought from time to time and that's perfectly normal. She says it's a problem if it gets to the point where there's a specific plan and intent.

So a survey asking "have you contemplated suicide this month" might not say much. Maybe you could compare that survey with itself at different times and track a general trend.
True true. The medical professionals that were helping me all basically said the same thing. The point of delineation is when there's as specific plan and methodology put in place.
I act as if God exists.

https://youtu.be/SG7mKcIVvQQ
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by dualstow » Thu Nov 18, 2021 7:00 pm

Smith1776 wrote:
Thu Nov 18, 2021 6:24 pm
pp4me wrote:
Thu Nov 18, 2021 1:22 pm
I saw someone on the news last night, don't remember where, but they said that 1 in 4 college students had contemplated suicide during the month of June.

They attributed it to COVID but I don't know how true that is.

Anyway, Smith1776, you are apparently not alone.
Definitely not. This is going to sound morbid, but even today (when i'm out of immediate danger), the idea of suicide is... comforting. It's this idea that I have trump card, a way out so to speak, if things get really bad again. Just having it in the proverbial back pocket is a point of comfort.
I remember having that feeling some twenty years ago. The idea that I would never have to worry about anything else again. Glad I never played that card -really glad - though I do remember the feeling.
The Beatles started it - they did it the best, and everyone who came after them were a kind of Beatles tribute band. ~ Kurt Cobain
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Smith1776 » Thu Nov 18, 2021 7:04 pm

dualstow wrote:
Thu Nov 18, 2021 7:00 pm
Smith1776 wrote:
Thu Nov 18, 2021 6:24 pm
pp4me wrote:
Thu Nov 18, 2021 1:22 pm
I saw someone on the news last night, don't remember where, but they said that 1 in 4 college students had contemplated suicide during the month of June.

They attributed it to COVID but I don't know how true that is.

Anyway, Smith1776, you are apparently not alone.
Definitely not. This is going to sound morbid, but even today (when i'm out of immediate danger), the idea of suicide is... comforting. It's this idea that I have trump card, a way out so to speak, if things get really bad again. Just having it in the proverbial back pocket is a point of comfort.
I remember having that feeling some twenty years ago. The idea that I would never have to worry about anything else again. Glad I never played that card -really glad - though I do remember the feeling.
It's awful that it's STILL the most comforting thought I have right now... but it is what it is.

You guys and this community are of tremendous value and help.
I act as if God exists.

https://youtu.be/SG7mKcIVvQQ
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by dualstow » Thu Nov 18, 2021 7:25 pm

You have a lot going for you, Smith. You will get through this.
The Beatles started it - they did it the best, and everyone who came after them were a kind of Beatles tribute band. ~ Kurt Cobain
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Smith1776 » Thu Nov 18, 2021 7:52 pm

PTG.jpg
PTG.jpg (733.19 KiB) Viewed 251 times


Some more literature on post-traumatic growth.
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Smith1776 » Fri Nov 19, 2021 1:34 am

Sat at a Wings diner for most of the night by myself…

It was here I basically decided I’m going to pull a Vinny and give up on relationships. I think in the long run I will be happier this way.



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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by flyingpylon » Fri Nov 19, 2021 4:59 am

Smith1776 wrote:
Fri Nov 19, 2021 1:34 am
Sat at a Wings diner for most of the night by myself…

It was here I basically decided I’m going to pull a Vinny and give up on relationships. I think in the long run I will be happier this way.
You have to be right with yourself before you can find someone that’s right for you. So perhaps it could be more of a strategic retreat that doesn’t completely rule out the possibility of something in the future. But for now, relationships are probably not the right place to focus. Good luck.
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Smith1776 » Fri Nov 19, 2021 2:08 pm

flyingpylon wrote:
Fri Nov 19, 2021 4:59 am
Smith1776 wrote:
Fri Nov 19, 2021 1:34 am
Sat at a Wings diner for most of the night by myself…

It was here I basically decided I’m going to pull a Vinny and give up on relationships. I think in the long run I will be happier this way.
You have to be right with yourself before you can find someone that’s right for you. So perhaps it could be more of a strategic retreat that doesn’t completely rule out the possibility of something in the future. But for now, relationships are probably not the right place to focus. Good luck.
Thank you. You’re right. It’s just bloody painful in the meantime hahaha.
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Smith1776 » Fri Nov 19, 2021 8:40 pm

Catalyzing a new identity.


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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Mark Leavy » Sat Nov 20, 2021 12:04 am

You're in a complex phase.
Break the Identity. There is a region beyond the circle.

Or get drunk and Euler.
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Hal » Sat Nov 20, 2021 1:35 am

Smith1776 wrote:
Fri Nov 19, 2021 1:34 am
Sat at a Wings diner for most of the night by myself…

It was here I basically decided I’m going to pull a Vinny and give up on relationships. I think in the long run I will be happier this way.




63E2BFCA-446C-4160-98F8-DF0617D1BE57.jpeg
In the short term, I think that's a good move. And your tattoo is great ;D

PS: If you want a laugh => https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_heTuZhK6KE
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Smith1776 » Sat Nov 20, 2021 4:11 am

Oh my god.

Guys.

Why the fuck did I just get a tattoo.

Jesus Christ.
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Re: Still Here... By The Skin Of My Teeth

Post by Smith1776 » Sat Nov 20, 2021 4:14 am

My therapist was right. I’m in a manic state. Ahhhhh!!!!! :o
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