The Wisdom of Jack Handey
Posted: Thu May 16, 2013 11:17 am
I was thinking about Jack Handey earlier and thought I would share some of his outstanding insights for anyone who isn't familiar with his work.
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If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
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Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
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When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
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It's true that every time you hear a bell ring, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
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If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.
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It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
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My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.
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I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
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Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
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Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
***
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
***
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.
***
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
***
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
***
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
***
It's true that every time you hear a bell ring, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
***
If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.
***
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
***
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.
***
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
***
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
***
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
***
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
***
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.
