700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

[Smith1776]

I’ve been keeping busy today. Picked up my meds, went to the post office, chatted with some friends, restarted my singing lessons, went to the library.

The worst moments are the ones where you just sit and stew with your own thoughts.

[Maddy]

The next day her personality flips. A loving and amicable visit suddenly turns into emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and even violence. She headbutts me at point. She yells at me. She gives me the cold shoulder then reverse, then cold shoulder again. I have scratch marks on my body. All throughout I still keep telling her (and myself) that I love her.

By the evening of the second night I am reduced to tears. I cannot be in the same room with this woman. The hotel room is trashed. It's 4am and I am sitting at the end of the hallway in the hotel crying. A man comes out of his room and sees me. He asks me if I'm okay and I respond "No." He walks away. Of course, what can he do? I sit at the end of this hallway in this hotel. In this strange city 700 miles from home. With an abusive soon to be ex-girlfriend that I can't bear to be in the same room with. In that hallway I cycle between calling the suicide hotline, crying, and catching a little sleep.

The next morning I am emotionally tortured. More gaslighting. More manipulation. She's not hurting and she doesn't give a shit that I'm hurting. I leave in tears to start my 12 hour drive home on maybe 2.5 hours of sleep. I leave with the engagement ring fortunately in my pocket.

* * *

I miss her so much still. Despite the fact that some of my friends are saying I should file charges for violence like headbutting. I apologize for the poor quality of the prose in this post. I'm just so tired.

I don't know how to say this without sounding unsympathetic, but you need to ditch this woman for good and spend some time figuring out why you keep going back for more punishment. There are great women in this world, but for some reason you're choosing somebody who continually keeps you off-balance and in emotional turmoil. It sounds like you could use a ton of work on self-esteem--or, better yet--self-respect (the difference being that self-respect is something you actually earn). When you continually make self-defeating choices, you never develop real self-respect, and you're not likely to find (or be interesting to) quality people. Just my $0.02.

[Kriegsspiel]

It sounds like you could use a ton of work on self-esteem--or, better yet--self-respect (the difference being that self-respect is something you actually earn).

Some self-defense too, if you ask me.

[Libertarian666]

Hey everyone. I read your messages and between the humour and support I'm really thrilled. It seems like it's just a pretty constant string of trial and heartbreak over here, but what can you do? I'm putting myself out there and trying my best.

Back again to my godparents. I mentioned that Shawn is a doctor who knows a ton about the brain. He basically said that for me this woman, for whatever reason, is causing my brain to secrete hyper normal levels of hormones and chemicals so that she essentially is like a kind of addiction. Driving 700 miles out to Edmonton to meet someone on just a few days notice is not something you do under normal circumstances. My behaviour was pretty much that of one of the drug addicts he treats regularly.

I've been told that the chemicals and hormones secreted by the body into the brain are just as powerful as any street drug. This totally explains why I felt like I was "watching" myself engage in these actions over the past couple weeks. I felt like I wasn't really in control.

It's early here in Vancouver. I'm up and I'm going to do my best to be productive and safe.

Every addiction is an addiction to the same couple of substances: dopamine and/or adrenaline.
Crazy women are extremely dangerous because you get both of those at the same time.
I know it doesn't feel this way, but you're very fortunate to be okay rather than dead or seriously injured.
If you need anything, we're here.

[Xan]

Hey everyone. I read your messages and between the humour and support I'm really thrilled. It seems like it's just a pretty constant string of trial and heartbreak over here, but what can you do? I'm putting myself out there and trying my best.

Back again to my godparents. I mentioned that Shawn is a doctor who knows a ton about the brain. He basically said that for me this woman, for whatever reason, is causing my brain to secrete hyper normal levels of hormones and chemicals so that she essentially is like a kind of addiction. Driving 700 miles out to Edmonton to meet someone on just a few days notice is not something you do under normal circumstances. My behaviour was pretty much that of one of the drug addicts he treats regularly.

I've been told that the chemicals and hormones secreted by the body into the brain are just as powerful as any street drug. This totally explains why I felt like I was "watching" myself engage in these actions over the past couple weeks. I felt like I wasn't really in control.

It's early here in Vancouver. I'm up and I'm going to do my best to be productive and safe.

Every addiction is an addiction to the same couple of substances: dopamine and/or adrenaline.
Crazy women are extremely dangerous because you get both of those at the same time.
I know it doesn't feel this way, but you're very fortunate to be okay rather than dead or seriously injured.
If you need anything, we're here.

Not only are we here, but we need to know what happens! If you had crashed (accidentally or on purpose) during your long, miserable drive, then we would never have known what happened. You would have just disappeared.

You can't do that to us, man!

[Smith1776]

I don't know how to say this without sounding unsympathetic, but you need to ditch this woman for good and spend some time figuring out why you keep going back for more punishment. There are great women in this world, but for some reason you're choosing somebody who continually keeps you off-balance and in emotional turmoil. It sounds like you could use a ton of work on self-esteem--or, better yet--self-respect (the difference being that self-respect is something you actually earn). When you continually make self-defeating choices, you never develop real self-respect, and you're not likely to find (or be interesting to) quality people. Just my $0.02.

You know what? All I can say is that you are dead right. That's exactly what my godparents said too. I have a lot self-examination and introspection to do.

In the past couple days I've been told "Smith, even though you're an in-shape guy, you would be highly unlikely to ever win in a fight, because you don't seem to believe in anything." That one hit home because it seems to be true. I think I need to do better in developing a real value structure for myself.

Almost all of my close friends (through acting and performing) are quite a bit older than me. They all have sage advice. Another reminded me that I need to really love myself before I can love others.

[Smith1776]

Every addiction is an addiction to the same couple of substances: dopamine and/or adrenaline.
Crazy women are extremely dangerous because you get both of those at the same time.
I know it doesn't feel this way, but you're very fortunate to be okay rather than dead or seriously injured.
If you need anything, we're here.

Yes, I am feeling very fortunate indeed. In the last 30 minutes or so of my 12 hour drive back a police cruiser came up behind me and turned its lights on. My stomach dropped. I pulled to the curb, but he drove past as it turned out he was just trying to get past me.

Another speeding ticket on top of everything would have been pretty devastating.

[Smith1776]

Not only are we here, but we need to know what happens! If you had crashed (accidentally or on purpose) during your long, miserable drive, then we would never have known what happened. You would have just disappeared.

You can't do that to us, man!

I plan on being around for a long time. I need to fulfill my promise of inviting all of you when I get married for real!

[Smith1776]

Some self-defense too, if you ask me.

I am in that post-break up phase where the person is in that wide-eyed self-improvement mode. Returning to some martial arts classes may be in order.

[doodle]

I don't know how to say this without sounding unsympathetic, but you need to ditch this woman for good and spend some time figuring out why you keep going back for more punishment. There are great women in this world, but for some reason you're choosing somebody who continually keeps you off-balance and in emotional turmoil. It sounds like you could use a ton of work on self-esteem--or, better yet--self-respect (the difference being that self-respect is something you actually earn). When you continually make self-defeating choices, you never develop real self-respect, and you're not likely to find (or be interesting to) quality people. Just my $0.02.

You know what? All I can say is that you are dead right. That's exactly what my godparents said too. I have a lot self-examination and introspection to do.

In the past couple days I've been told "Smith, even though you're an in-shape guy, you would be highly unlikely to ever win in a fight, because you don't seem to believe in anything." That one hit home because it seems to be true. I think I need to do better in developing a real value structure for myself.

Almost all of my close friends (through acting and performing) are quite a bit older than me. They all have sage advice. Another reminded me that I need to really love myself before I can love others.

Exactly! That in my opinion is an attractive feature. Over the last 20 years of developing financial independence I didn't own a car, barely owned any furniture, wore Hanes t-shirts and raggedy jeans and Walmart shoes. I owned it. I never apologized or feigned to be something other than what I was despite meeting friends for coffee often toting my own homemade coffee along in a flask. Honestly, it kept the attention seeking gold diggers at bay and never hurt me at all with the quality women of substance who saw my quirks rather as an attractive quality of having a goal and vision for my life....although I did ocassionally take a ribbing for my idiosyncracies. Also, I feel like the measure of a man is his ability to stand his ground and take what shit may come his way. It's often hard to do that but in the end it does lead to an enormous amount of self respect and respect from others including women. No matter how much shit you take, you can always handle more.

I'm not saying my way is the right way, but figure out your way and unapologetically own it. As much as I disagree with Trump and his way of being, that is what he has done and you can see how it has worked for him. Just don't be an asshole like him please, the world has enough of those already.

[Smith1776]

Exactly! That in my opinion is an attractive feature. Over the last 20 years of developing financial independence I didn't own a car, barely owned any furniture, wore Hanes t-shirts and raggedy jeans and Walmart shoes. I owned it. I never apologized or feigned to be something other than what I was despite meeting friends for coffee often toting my own homemade coffee along in a flask. Honestly, it kept the attention seeking gold diggers at bay and never hurt me at all with the quality women of substance who saw my quirks rather as an attractive quality of having a goal and vision for my life....although I did ocassionally take a ribbing for my idiosyncracies. Also, I feel like the measure of a man is his ability to stand his ground and take what shit may come his way. It's often hard to do that but in the end it does lead to an enormous amount of self respect and respect from others including women. No matter how much shit you take, you can always handle more.

I'm not saying my way is the right way, but figure out your way and unapologetically own it. As much as I disagree with Trump and his way of being, that is what he has done and you can see how it has worked for him. Just don't be an asshole like him please, the world has enough of those already.

That is a powerful personal constitution. I sense a lot of depth in you and other posters here which I am striving to achieve.

It's time for me to grow up.

[yankees60]

Some self-defense too, if you ask me.

I am in that post-break up phase where the person is in that wide-eyed self-improvement mode. Returning to some martial arts classes may be in order.

This is the FAMED book that well explains the two parts of the brain. One which thinks fast and one which thinks slow:

Thinking, Fast and Slow

https://smile.amazon.com/Thinking-Fast- ... 157&sr=8-1

Vinny

[Mark Leavy]

Since we were talking guns in a different thread, I thought I would post this for your pleasure, Smith.

I often joke that I expect to die by misadventure. And I refer to my current gal as Ms.Adventure. It is entirely possible that in a fit of pique she would push me off of a cliff. And we are planning on a couple of 14,000 foot summits in two weeks.

In her younger days, she shot her boyfriend with a .22LR. They were just moving through the fields (pretty far apart) and she realized she was pissed at him, so she just sort of pointed her rifle at him and pulled the trigger. It only grazed him and it was only a .22LR - so... no harm no foul.

I guess they didn't stay together too long after that.

She's hell of fun. And way less crazy than some other girlfriends I've had. A definite keeper.

Mark

[Mark Leavy]

I'm sorry, but those two lines are mutually exclusive in my opinion. And you therefore must have dated some extremely crazy women.

One time a GF threw a glass across the table at me when she was pissed. Bye bye. That's already crazy enough to bail. But a gun????

I agree. It is all context. I once had a gal slap me across the face in a restaurant. Split my lip open. I just said, I'll take you wherever you want to go, but you aren't coming back to my house. For some reason she just thought I would laugh it off. I took her to the airport.

Kate hasn't shot me yet. But I do keep my eyes open

[Kriegsspiel]

MangoMan, Mark is actually describing a scene in the comedy film Wedding Crashers and totally not possibly anything from real life.

[Tyler]

I've been really busy this week and just found this thread. Wow.

Smith -- I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. It'll get better once the adrenaline wears off. And you definitely deserve better!

I have no real wisdom to offer other than to simply say I'm inspired by your instinct to reach out to others for help and advice. Thanks for setting a good example of how to open up when you need it most! You've got a lot of friends here.

[Cortopassi]

I must state again, I have a really boring life, and thank God for that.

[dualstow]

I would have read this thread sooner, Smith, if I had known it was personal and not a news article.
I’m on post #2...

[dualstow]

I mentioned that Shawn is a doctor who knows a ton about the brain. He basically said that for me this woman, for whatever reason, is causing my brain to secrete hyper normal levels of hormones and chemicals so that she essentially is like a kind of addiction.

I have an ex-gf (whom I probably should’ve married) who always had to sniff my upper body. I was both flattered and embarrassed. We reconnected platonically recently after more than two decades, and at one point she was downwind from me on a walk and went nuts. She’s the only person I know who has this reaction. My wife’s reaction is “You should take a shower.”

[Xan]

I mentioned that Shawn is a doctor who knows a ton about the brain. He basically said that for me this woman, for whatever reason, is causing my brain to secrete hyper normal levels of hormones and chemicals so that she essentially is like a kind of addiction.

I have an ex-gf (whom I probably should’ve married) who always had to sniff my upper body. I was both flattered and embarrassed. We reconnected platonically recently after more than two decades, and at one point she was downwind from me on a walk and went nuts. She’s the only person I know who has this reaction. My wife’s reaction is “You should take a shower.”

What form did this "going nuts" take?

[dualstow]

It was mostly verbal and ended in a farewell hug that hurt my spine a little.

[Smith1776]

I've been really busy this week and just found this thread. Wow.

Smith -- I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. It'll get better once the adrenaline wears off. And you definitely deserve better!

I have no real wisdom to offer other than to simply say I'm inspired by your instinct to reach out to others for help and advice. Thanks for setting a good example of how to open up when you need it most! You've got a lot of friends here.

I know of no better place than this forum to share! This forum is the perfect blend of friendship but also arm's length conversation. There're no work relationships here to make awkward by oversharing. And it's not like friendships where too much blubbering can put pressure on said friendship.

Having said that, I have been getting lots of support from friends, but I am doing my best to make sure I'm not overburdening them. Additionally, I am also doing my best to make sure that I'm still adding value to their lives to by being good company and not just moping.

[Smith1776]

I must state again, I have a really boring life, and thank God for that.

I don't have the inner peace for a boring life. I feel like my insecurity leads me to want to do "stuff". I'm not saying it's really a good thing either.

It's like that episode of How I Met Your Mother where Barney can't stop doing crazy things every night because he needs to distract himself from the fact that his girlfriend is working as a stripper.

[Smith1776]

I would have read this thread sooner, Smith, if I had known it was personal and not a news article.
I’m on post #2...

It's all good, dualstow. I'm here to share, but I don't expect everyone on the forum to rush to my aid. I know that everyone has their own lives going on, and I'm absolutely sure there's people in the world with waaaay worse problems than me. Just one of a million daily heartbreaks.

[Mountaineer]

I would have read this thread sooner, Smith, if I had known it was personal and not a news article.
I’m on post #2...

It's all good, dualstow. I'm here to share, [my edit - point 1] but I don't expect everyone on the forum to rush to my aid. I know that everyone has their own lives going on, and [my edit - point 2] I'm absolutely sure there's people in the world with waaaay worse problems than me. Just one of a million daily heartbreaks.

Point 1 - Why not? We are here for each other.

Point 2 - Yep. Doesn't mean that we can't share your burden though. Cheers Dude! Hang in there.