Red flags for infidelity

Other discussions not related to the Permanent Portfolio

Moderator: Global Moderator

Libertarian666
Executive Member
Executive Member
Posts: 5994
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 6:00 pm

Red flags for infidelity

Post by Libertarian666 » Sat Feb 13, 2016 8:35 pm

Here are some of the big red flags for infidelity. I'm saying "she and her" but the first set of these apply either way:

1. Being glued to her phone night and day
2. Password protecting her phone
3. Mentioning a new male acquaintance's name a few times and then clamming up about him
4. Saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you", which is so common an occurrence that it is abbreviated ILYBINILWY
5. Becoming cold, distant, and often newly argumentative rather than warm and loving
6. Rewriting marital history, e.g., claiming that she has been unhappy for a long time but has been reluctant to tell you
7. Unexplained gaps in where she is, e.g., long delays between leaving work and getting home.

Red flags just for men:

1. Losing weight and dressing up more sexily when she goes out
2. New sexy underwear that you've never seen her wear
3. Big change in sexual behavior, which can be a lot more (usually before consummating the affair), a lot less (usually after consummating the affair), or just a very different approach

These are not all of the same severity but you will usually see more than one of them so you generally don't have to make a determination based on just one, so I'm not sure the relative severity is terribly important.
Libertarian666
Executive Member
Executive Member
Posts: 5994
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 6:00 pm

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Libertarian666 » Sat Feb 13, 2016 8:39 pm

Then of course there is the question of what to do about these red flags if you see them. Assuming anyone is interested, I'll post about that too.
User avatar
Mountaineer
Executive Member
Executive Member
Posts: 4959
Joined: Tue Feb 07, 2012 10:54 am

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Mountaineer » Sun Feb 14, 2016 5:52 am

Crap, I thought this was going to be a thread about Red Flag.  ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEDfLyK ... umentaryHD

I do think Tech gives some good red flags though.  Must watch a lot of Hallmark movies.  ;D

... M
DNA has its own language (code), and language requires intelligence. There is no known mechanism by which matter can give birth to information, let alone language. It is unreasonable to believe the world could have happened by chance.
Michellebell
Senior Member
Senior Member
Posts: 126
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2016 12:27 pm

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Michellebell » Sun Feb 14, 2016 10:56 am

I think that's a pretty good list.  I am more interested in what you suggest to do in the event of noticing those things. 
Libertarian666
Executive Member
Executive Member
Posts: 5994
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 6:00 pm

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Libertarian666 » Sun Feb 14, 2016 5:21 pm

Michellebell wrote: I think that's a pretty good list.  I am more interested in what you suggest to do in the event of noticing those things.
The most important thing is to find out exactly what is going on without tipping your hand before you know the extent of the problem, as people involved in infidelity often will take it underground if they know you are watching.
User avatar
dualstow
Executive Member
Executive Member
Posts: 14232
Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:18 am
Location: synagogue of Satan
Contact:

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by dualstow » Sun Feb 14, 2016 6:19 pm

Mountaineer wrote: Crap, I thought this was going to be a thread about Red Flag.  ;)
I thought it was going to be about actual red flags, and I was thinking isn't a simple scarlet letter harsh enough?
Sam Bankman-Fried sentenced to 25 years
Libertarian666
Executive Member
Executive Member
Posts: 5994
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 6:00 pm

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Libertarian666 » Mon Feb 15, 2016 12:15 am

Desert wrote: Hmm.  If one is skulking around looking for signs of infidelity, it's likely a good sign that one's life is way off the tracks.
Yes, that is very likely. But finding out exactly what is going on is still important. In some (possibly rare) cases, infidelity can be stopped before it gets to the level that the faithful spouse cannot forgive.
User avatar
Tyler
Executive Member
Executive Member
Posts: 2066
Joined: Sat Nov 12, 2011 3:23 pm
Contact:

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Tyler » Mon Feb 15, 2016 12:40 am

Just in case anyone reading this thread finds that it strikes close to home, I always recommend this site, the accompanying forum, and books by the author.  I know several people it has helped. 
Michellebell
Senior Member
Senior Member
Posts: 126
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2016 12:27 pm

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Michellebell » Mon Feb 15, 2016 5:35 am

Desert wrote: Hmm.  If one is skulking around looking for signs of infidelity, it's likely a good sign that one's life is way off the tracks.
I wonder about this too.  It's like The Secret/The Law of Attraction...I believe your focus and thoughts determine your reality.  I guess it's a fine line to walk between being prepared and careful vs. dreading the worst and creating your own problems.

My sister in law is so worried her husband will cheat that she basically expects him to do it.  She said now that she doesn't think about it as much as she used to because she figures it'll happen whether she tries to prevent it or not.  Therefore she has accepted that it'll happen and she'll divorce him afterwards but she'll enjoy her marriage in the meantime.  I'm like  ???

My brother in law is super faithful to her but the lack of trust would get to me. 
Libertarian666
Executive Member
Executive Member
Posts: 5994
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 6:00 pm

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Libertarian666 » Mon Feb 15, 2016 10:05 am

Michellebell wrote:
Desert wrote: Hmm.  If one is skulking around looking for signs of infidelity, it's likely a good sign that one's life is way off the tracks.
I wonder about this too.  It's like The Secret/The Law of Attraction...I believe your focus and thoughts determine your reality.  I guess it's a fine line to walk between being prepared and careful vs. dreading the worst and creating your own problems.

My sister in law is so worried her husband will cheat that she basically expects him to do it.  She said now that she doesn't think about it as much as she used to because she figures it'll happen whether she tries to prevent it or not.  Therefore she has accepted that it'll happen and she'll divorce him afterwards but she'll enjoy her marriage in the meantime.  I'm like  ???

My brother in law is super faithful to her but the lack of trust would get to me.
Of course one has to be sensible, but I haven't heard of many cases in which those red flags were flying and it turned out to be a false alarm.
User avatar
Pointedstick
Executive Member
Executive Member
Posts: 8864
Joined: Tue Apr 17, 2012 9:21 pm
Contact:

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Pointedstick » Mon Feb 15, 2016 12:57 pm

I think most of the bitterness comes from a small number of people with an overabundance of bitterness. :P Speaking for myself, I'm in a stable, happy long term relationship right now. Probably most of the other people in this situation don't feel the need to participate in these threads. But I do because I'm bored out of my mind in isolation with a nasty case of shingles so anything that involves moving around much is off limits.
Human behavior is economic behavior. The particulars may vary, but competition for limited resources remains a constant.
- CEO Nwabudike Morgan
Michellebell
Senior Member
Senior Member
Posts: 126
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2016 12:27 pm

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Michellebell » Mon Feb 15, 2016 1:45 pm

This thread continued a topic that came up in another thread.  I'm spending a ton of time at home watching little kids with no adults to talk to so I'm texting about these issues between diaper changes and feedings.  Since I'm a nursing mom I have pump breaks at work too with nothing to do but sit in a little room for 20 minutes so I text messages then too. 

Most of us are married, I believe. We are just talking about it because we find it interesting.
Last edited by Michellebell on Mon Feb 15, 2016 1:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
Mountaineer
Executive Member
Executive Member
Posts: 4959
Joined: Tue Feb 07, 2012 10:54 am

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Mountaineer » Mon Feb 15, 2016 2:23 pm

Pointedstick wrote: I think most of the bitterness comes from a small number of people with an overabundance of bitterness. :P Speaking for myself, I'm in a stable, happy long term relationship right now. Probably most of the other people in this situation don't feel the need to participate in these threads. But I do because I'm bored out of my mind in isolation with a nasty case of shingles so anything that involves moving around much is off limits.
PS,

My very best wishes for a speedy recovery.  Never had shingles but I hear it is really bad.  My doctor offered my wife and I the shingles vaccine a couple of years ago; he said we do not want to get shingles - we took his advice.  I'm currently suffering with a pinched nerve in my neck (getting old sucks) and maybe can somewhat identify with nerve issues such as shingles and the related intense pain.  Get well soon.  :)

... M
DNA has its own language (code), and language requires intelligence. There is no known mechanism by which matter can give birth to information, let alone language. It is unreasonable to believe the world could have happened by chance.
User avatar
Pointedstick
Executive Member
Executive Member
Posts: 8864
Joined: Tue Apr 17, 2012 9:21 pm
Contact:

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Pointedstick » Mon Feb 15, 2016 2:37 pm

Thanks everyone. Sadly the vaccine isn't approved for people younger than 50 so I imagine there are a lot of younger folks who are going to be getting it as more and more people are vaccinated against chicken pox and people's natural immunity wanes from lack of continuous exposure. I found out that one of my friend had it at age 20.
Human behavior is economic behavior. The particulars may vary, but competition for limited resources remains a constant.
- CEO Nwabudike Morgan
User avatar
BearBones
Executive Member
Executive Member
Posts: 689
Joined: Sat Sep 18, 2010 4:26 pm

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by BearBones » Mon Feb 15, 2016 2:50 pm

Pointedstick wrote: Thanks everyone. Sadly the vaccine isn't approved for people younger than 50
Given at 1 year. And can be given again later if no evidence of immunity.
http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/schedules/h ... adult.html
User avatar
Pointedstick
Executive Member
Executive Member
Posts: 8864
Joined: Tue Apr 17, 2012 9:21 pm
Contact:

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Pointedstick » Mon Feb 15, 2016 2:59 pm

My impression was that if you're an adult who got chicken pox before the varicella vaccine was invented, you're not offered it again to protect against shingles until age 50.
Human behavior is economic behavior. The particulars may vary, but competition for limited resources remains a constant.
- CEO Nwabudike Morgan
User avatar
Mountaineer
Executive Member
Executive Member
Posts: 4959
Joined: Tue Feb 07, 2012 10:54 am

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Mountaineer » Mon Feb 15, 2016 5:35 pm

Pointedstick wrote: My impression was that if you're an adult who got chicken pox before the varicella vaccine was invented, you're not offered it again to protect against shingles until age 50.
You could always tell the Doc you are a Democrat where your role models approve of "slightly misstating facts" and tell him you are age 51.  Then go for absolution.  ;)

... M
DNA has its own language (code), and language requires intelligence. There is no known mechanism by which matter can give birth to information, let alone language. It is unreasonable to believe the world could have happened by chance.
User avatar
MediumTex
Administrator
Administrator
Posts: 9096
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 11:47 pm
Contact:

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by MediumTex » Mon Feb 15, 2016 6:50 pm

IDrinkBloodLOL wrote: There's an overabundance of marital problem & anti-marriage threads here.

Are a lot of you people bitter divorcees or stuck in horrible marriages or what?
There are three threads, and to my knowledge this is the first time we have discussed these issues here, so there may be some pent up points of view that are being expressed.

Out of thousands and thousands of threads, I wouldn't say that three threads on a given topic is an "overabundance."

It's ironic (and a little amusing) that when we get our first new female member in ages we are all suddenly talking about love, relationships, and sex.  :)
Q: “Do you have funny shaped balloons?”
A: “Not unless round is funny.”
Libertarian666
Executive Member
Executive Member
Posts: 5994
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 6:00 pm

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Libertarian666 » Mon Feb 15, 2016 7:08 pm

Pointedstick wrote: Thanks everyone. Sadly the vaccine isn't approved for people younger than 50 so I imagine there are a lot of younger folks who are going to be getting it as more and more people are vaccinated against chicken pox and people's natural immunity wanes from lack of continuous exposure. I found out that one of my friend had it at age 20.
Shingles is horrible. BTW, I had the vaccine, but I got shingles anyway.

My wife isn't going to get the vaccine because she got a good dose of my virus when taking care of me.
Michellebell
Senior Member
Senior Member
Posts: 126
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2016 12:27 pm

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Michellebell » Mon Feb 15, 2016 7:21 pm

MediumTex wrote:
IDrinkBloodLOL wrote: There's an overabundance of marital problem & anti-marriage threads here.

Are a lot of you people bitter divorcees or stuck in horrible marriages or what?
There are three threads, and to my knowledge this is the first time we have discussed these issues here, so there may be some pent up points of view that are being expressed.

Out of thousands and thousands of threads, I wouldn't say that three threads on a given topic is an "overabundance."

It's ironic (and a little amusing) that when we get our first new female member in ages we are all suddenly talking about love, relationships, and sex.  :)
I was talking about the same issues on another forum specifically about love, relationships, and sex.  But there were some feminists on there who HATED my views and tore me apart.  So I found the thread here about the same issues and jumped right in. 
User avatar
MediumTex
Administrator
Administrator
Posts: 9096
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 11:47 pm
Contact:

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by MediumTex » Mon Feb 15, 2016 9:34 pm

Michellebell wrote:
MediumTex wrote:
IDrinkBloodLOL wrote: There's an overabundance of marital problem & anti-marriage threads here.

Are a lot of you people bitter divorcees or stuck in horrible marriages or what?
There are three threads, and to my knowledge this is the first time we have discussed these issues here, so there may be some pent up points of view that are being expressed.

Out of thousands and thousands of threads, I wouldn't say that three threads on a given topic is an "overabundance."

It's ironic (and a little amusing) that when we get our first new female member in ages we are all suddenly talking about love, relationships, and sex.  :)
I was talking about the same issues on another forum specifically about love, relationships, and sex.  But there were some feminists on there who HATED my views and tore me apart.  So I found the thread here about the same issues and jumped right in.
There is a house rule here against tearing people apart.

BTW, how did you find us here?
Q: “Do you have funny shaped balloons?”
A: “Not unless round is funny.”
Michellebell
Senior Member
Senior Member
Posts: 126
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2016 12:27 pm

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Michellebell » Tue Feb 16, 2016 4:01 pm

MediumTex wrote:
Michellebell wrote:
MediumTex wrote: There are three threads, and to my knowledge this is the first time we have discussed these issues here, so there may be some pent up points of view that are being expressed.

Out of thousands and thousands of threads, I wouldn't say that three threads on a given topic is an "overabundance."

It's ironic (and a little amusing) that when we get our first new female member in ages we are all suddenly talking about love, relationships, and sex.  :)
I was talking about the same issues on another forum specifically about love, relationships, and sex.  But there were some feminists on there who HATED my views and tore me apart.  So I found the thread here about the same issues and jumped right in.
There is a house rule here against tearing people apart.

BTW, how did you find us here?
It's a pretty funny story now that it's after the fact. I am very new to forums.  I was a member of one twelve years ago and found one about relationships that I joined around the first of the year.  I never talk about issues regarding feminism IRL because usually if I start to bring it up, people react like there's either something wrong with me or they've just never noticed what I've noticed.

So I ended up getting into a really interesting conversation but it turned into this crazy battle of the sexes with the men and me arguing against the feminists.  Some of them ended up really insulting me (although they would say I really insulted them) but I ended up really getting my feelings hurt and realizing that the most outspoken women on there now REALLY don't like me.

So I took a little break and said I would leave, but I couldn't stay away!  The conversations were so fascinating.  I wanted to keep talking about it but didn't want to be attacked by some of the women for being a drama queen or anything.  There was no way for me to cancel my account, so I made a new one and continued posting but was MUCH more careful not to say anything that could offend a feminist. 

It didn't even occur to me that having multiple accounts was against the rules!  It was a dumb move on my part.  Someone figured out who I was and banned me permanently.  So I created a phantom email and joined again and contacted several members privately whom I had been conversing with in the threads. I told them I was banned and could be banned again any time now but enjoyed talking to them but can't talk anymore.  One of them wrote me back and told me about this forum as a place for social commentary and said I might want to check this place out if I want to keep talking about it.  So I joined. :)
Last edited by Michellebell on Tue Feb 16, 2016 5:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
Pointedstick
Executive Member
Executive Member
Posts: 8864
Joined: Tue Apr 17, 2012 9:21 pm
Contact:

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Pointedstick » Tue Feb 16, 2016 4:19 pm

You're certainly welcome here! Now that the Permanent Portfolio is more or less "settled science" ;D most of us pretty much hang around just to talk about interesting things.
Human behavior is economic behavior. The particulars may vary, but competition for limited resources remains a constant.
- CEO Nwabudike Morgan
Michellebell
Senior Member
Senior Member
Posts: 126
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2016 12:27 pm

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Michellebell » Tue Feb 16, 2016 5:24 pm

Pointedstick wrote: You're certainly welcome here! Now that the Permanent Portfolio is more or less "settled science" ;D most of us pretty much hang around just to talk about interesting things.
Thanks.  I might learn something new if I stick around too.  The people here are all very nice.
Michellebell
Senior Member
Senior Member
Posts: 126
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2016 12:27 pm

Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Michellebell » Tue Feb 16, 2016 5:53 pm

You know what's funny?  Another woman from my other discussion was so inspired by what I said (she happens to agree with me) that she joined antimisandry.com and showed me her post where she asked if women are welcome there too.  I thought of joining there too but some of the responders told her to be prepared for some female-bashing from some of the responders.  I found the views here to be more balanced so I joined.  Since it seems all male, I didn't have to worry anymore about offending women.  I hope you all appreciate a female perspective here.
Last edited by Michellebell on Tue Feb 16, 2016 6:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Post Reply