Red flags for infidelity

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technovelist
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Red flags for infidelity

Post by technovelist » Sat Feb 13, 2016 8:35 pm

Here are some of the big red flags for infidelity. I'm saying "she and her" but the first set of these apply either way:

1. Being glued to her phone night and day
2. Password protecting her phone
3. Mentioning a new male acquaintance's name a few times and then clamming up about him
4. Saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you", which is so common an occurrence that it is abbreviated ILYBINILWY
5. Becoming cold, distant, and often newly argumentative rather than warm and loving
6. Rewriting marital history, e.g., claiming that she has been unhappy for a long time but has been reluctant to tell you
7. Unexplained gaps in where she is, e.g., long delays between leaving work and getting home.

Red flags just for men:

1. Losing weight and dressing up more sexily when she goes out
2. New sexy underwear that you've never seen her wear
3. Big change in sexual behavior, which can be a lot more (usually before consummating the affair), a lot less (usually after consummating the affair), or just a very different approach

These are not all of the same severity but you will usually see more than one of them so you generally don't have to make a determination based on just one, so I'm not sure the relative severity is terribly important.
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technovelist
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Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by technovelist » Sat Feb 13, 2016 8:39 pm

Then of course there is the question of what to do about these red flags if you see them. Assuming anyone is interested, I'll post about that too.
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Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Mountaineer » Sun Feb 14, 2016 5:52 am

Crap, I thought this was going to be a thread about Red Flag.  ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEDfLyK ... umentaryHD

I do think Tech gives some good red flags though.  Must watch a lot of Hallmark movies.  ;D

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Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by tennpaga » Sun Feb 14, 2016 9:33 am

Mountaineer wrote: Must watch a lot of Hallmark movies.  ;D
:D
* Gresham's Law: Bad behavior drives out good.
* Gresham's corollary: Avoid participating in systems where good behavior cannot win.

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Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Michellebell » Sun Feb 14, 2016 10:56 am

I think that's a pretty good list.  I am more interested in what you suggest to do in the event of noticing those things. 
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Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by technovelist » Sun Feb 14, 2016 5:21 pm

Michellebell wrote: I think that's a pretty good list.  I am more interested in what you suggest to do in the event of noticing those things.
The most important thing is to find out exactly what is going on without tipping your hand before you know the extent of the problem, as people involved in infidelity often will take it underground if they know you are watching.
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Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by dualstow » Sun Feb 14, 2016 6:19 pm

Mountaineer wrote: Crap, I thought this was going to be a thread about Red Flag.  ;)
I thought it was going to be about actual red flags, and I was thinking isn't a simple scarlet letter harsh enough?
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Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Desert » Sun Feb 14, 2016 8:16 pm

Hmm.  If one is skulking around looking for signs of infidelity, it's likely a good sign that one's life is way off the tracks. 
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Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by technovelist » Mon Feb 15, 2016 12:15 am

Desert wrote: Hmm.  If one is skulking around looking for signs of infidelity, it's likely a good sign that one's life is way off the tracks.
Yes, that is very likely. But finding out exactly what is going on is still important. In some (possibly rare) cases, infidelity can be stopped before it gets to the level that the faithful spouse cannot forgive.
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Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Tyler » Mon Feb 15, 2016 12:40 am

Just in case anyone reading this thread finds that it strikes close to home, I always recommend this site, the accompanying forum, and books by the author.  I know several people it has helped. 
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Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by Michellebell » Mon Feb 15, 2016 5:35 am

Desert wrote: Hmm.  If one is skulking around looking for signs of infidelity, it's likely a good sign that one's life is way off the tracks.
I wonder about this too.  It's like The Secret/The Law of Attraction...I believe your focus and thoughts determine your reality.  I guess it's a fine line to walk between being prepared and careful vs. dreading the worst and creating your own problems.

My sister in law is so worried her husband will cheat that she basically expects him to do it.  She said now that she doesn't think about it as much as she used to because she figures it'll happen whether she tries to prevent it or not.  Therefore she has accepted that it'll happen and she'll divorce him afterwards but she'll enjoy her marriage in the meantime.  I'm like  ???

My brother in law is super faithful to her but the lack of trust would get to me. 
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Re: Red flags for infidelity

Post by technovelist » Mon Feb 15, 2016 10:05 am

Michellebell wrote:
Desert wrote: Hmm.  If one is skulking around looking for signs of infidelity, it's likely a good sign that one's life is way off the tracks.
I wonder about this too.  It's like The Secret/The Law of Attraction...I believe your focus and thoughts determine your reality.  I guess it's a fine line to walk between being prepared and careful vs. dreading the worst and creating your own problems.

My sister in law is so worried her husband will cheat that she basically expects him to do it.  She said now that she doesn't think about it as much as she used to because she figures it'll happen whether she tries to prevent it or not.  Therefore she has accepted that it'll happen and she'll divorce him afterwards but she'll enjoy her marriage in the meantime.  I'm like  ???

My brother in law is super faithful to her but the lack of trust would get to me.
Of course one has to be sensible, but I haven't heard of many cases in which those red flags were flying and it turned out to be a false alarm.
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