Help me get drunk

[Pointedstick]

I have an unusual request for help. I have never gotten drunk before and would like to know what it feels like. There's a big problem, though: I absolutely cannot stand bitterness. I don't enjoy it a bit, and probably couldn't force down enough to even get tipsy. But all the sweeter alcoholic drinks seems to be carbonated, and I can't drink carbonated stuff at all since it upsets my stomach terribly.

These two restrictions have basically made alcohol off-limits for my whole life, and I haven't minded at all. But I'm really curious to know what it's like to be drunk! It seems like such a basic state of being that gets experienced by nearly all humans that I feel left out.

So what could I drink that's 1) alcoholic enough to actually notice, 2) as not-bitter as possible, and 3) not carbonated?

[Kshartle]

White Russian is perfect.

Black Russian might work too, although perhaps slightly bitter...maybe if you never drink.

Both have plenty of alcohol.

A couple black russians will probably floor you.

It's appropriate considering the news of late.

[Tyler]

As a rookie, start slow. 

Kahlua and hot chocolate (my friends call it a "chocoholic") is pretty tasty. 

[Tortoise]

I've found that grapefruit juice does an exceptional job of covering up the taste of alcohol. Mix a shot of vodka in a glass of sweetened grapefruit juice and see what you think.

[Kshartle]

I've found that grapefruit juice does an exceptional job of covering up the taste of alcohol. Mix a shot of vodka in a glass of sweetened grapefruit juice and see what you think.

+1 for the greyhound if you prefer sour to sweet.

[l82start]

keep in mind sugar / mixes / color tends to equal bigger hangover, the closer you can get to clear liquor and the less sugar your mix has the better (this may not matter as much if you have a low tolerance but makes a big difference on a long night of drinking) drink water as you drink and after then again in the morning-after to combat dehydration (another hangover cause), pace your self and sip! drinking to much to fast is no fun and you can to easily go from "woo-hoo! fun", to "yucky sick no fun at all", without the hours of enjoyment in between.
i prefer scotch or bourbon on ice myself so i don't know what the best mixed drink to recommend for you would be... but have fun. (and be safe)

[Kshartle]

Can't rule out bloody mary or screwdriver......plus there's all the vitamins.

There's a reson about 50% of kid's first drinks are screwdrivers at weddings or Xmas parties.

[AdamA]

I agree with the White Russian idea.  Just be careful.  They go down very smooth, so it's easy to get carried away.

Piña Coladas are similar.

[WildAboutHarry]

Mixed drinks are fine, but I'm not sure they are the best option right out of the starting gate.

I would go with a nice, dry, white wine.  A New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc (Costco usually has a good deal on Kim Crawford).

Sip slowly.  Savor the taste.  Repeat as needed.  You want to give your alcohol dehydrogenase a light workout.

And the best movie featuring a White Russian is The Big Lebowski.

[Mountaineer]

I have an unusual request for help. I have never gotten drunk before and would like to know what it feels like. There's a big problem, though: I absolutely cannot stand bitterness. I don't enjoy it a bit, and probably couldn't force down enough to even get tipsy. But all the sweeter alcoholic drinks seems to be carbonated, and I can't drink carbonated stuff at all since it upsets my stomach terribly.

These two restrictions have basically made alcohol off-limits for my whole life, and I haven't minded at all. But I'm really curious to know what it's like to be drunk! It seems like such a basic state of being that gets experienced by nearly all humans that I feel left out.

So what could I drink that's 1) alcoholic enough to actually notice, 2) as not-bitter as possible, and 3) not carbonated?

For me, there is a rather narrow line between being a bit tipsy and being drunk and for me, drunk comes with the price of being REALLY, REALLY sick at my stomach.  The first time I ever got drunk/sick was after 5 vodka collins's in about an hour.  I literally was seeing double and was sick for three days - I thought I was throwing up my toenails at first and later ached like I had a really bad case of flu. 

So, if you have never had the experience, I'd say, why start?  You really are not missing anything of significance.  I am totally speculating, but if your body does not react well, as you described, think about what it is trying to tell you. 

Most people I know drink because it enhances the flavor of food and/or they like the taste of the beverage.  Those who drink because they like the buzz or the out of control feeling, tended to be the ones who had other addiction (gambling, drugs, etc.) tendencies.  But, if you do choose to experience being drunk, I would first try a little light beer, a medium dry red wine, a medium dry white wine, a high quality single malt scotch diluted with water, or a high quality bourbon diluted with water (cheap scotch and bourbon - yuck).  If you do not like any of those flavors or they upset your stomach, stop, there is no point for continuing at this point in your life.  I personally would not do the sweet drinks - I agree they taste really good but so does pie and ice cream; and the sweet drinks have a proclivity to not come up nearly as easy as they go down if you go too far. 

Edit:  Forget the beer suggestion.  I forgot you do not tolerate carbonation when I wrote the above.

[dragoncar]

The options are virtually limitless... just mix a neutral spirit like vodka or rum with a beverage of your choice.  Do you drink anything besides water? 

If it's too strong, add more mixer until you like it.  This is OK because it will keep you hydrated.  Drink this dilute beverage until you are drunk. 

Maybe keep a log of how you're feeling with timestamps and amount of alcohol consumed.  Keep some kind of sanity check in your head so as not to over-imbibe.

Don't eat beforehand, as this will slow absorption. 

I would probably do it with some kind of fruit juice (or crystal light type mix if you're into that) and a decent vodka (it doesn't have to be fancy, but bottom shelf stuff will be harsh).

All of the above should preferably be done during a social activity for maximum enjoyment. 

[Kshartle]

Don't eat beforehand, as this will slow absorption.  This is one of the greatest pieces of advice I've ever read.

All of the above should preferably be done during a social activity for maximum enjoyment. This is dangerous because you can't be confident how you will act drunk. I would advise not being around anyone you have unresolved issues with and no females, lest you get handsy grabby.

[iwealth]

Sweet tea vodka mixed with water or unsweetened iced tea, if you like iced tea. I'm pretty experienced with being all sorts of drunk and this drink is dangerously tasty. Dangerous as in I'd just assumed it was lightly sweetened iced tea if I didn't know better.

I wouldn't worry about a hangover if you've never been drunk. But I guess everyone is different. Took me 2 years of hardcore alcohol consumption before experiencing my first hangover.

[Pointedstick]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Good stuff. To perhaps clarify a bit, I'm not interested in getting smashed, just maybe a little bit tipsy. Every once in a while after a movie, my wife will drink enough wine to get in this state and she always really enjoys it (and me too ). I'd like to see if I can have the same experience.

I strongly suspect that it will be a one-time thing because honestly, right now even the tiniest bit of alcohol ruins the taste of whatever it's in for me.

I would go with a nice, dry, white wine.  A New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc (Costco usually has a good deal on Kim Crawford).

Ugh, wine. I can't stand it.

The options are virtually limitless... just mix a neutral spirit like vodka or rum with a beverage of your choice.  Do you drink anything besides water?

No, just water. I do enjoy some fruit juices but almost never drink them.

This is dangerous because you can't be confident how you will act drunk. I would advise not being around anyone you have unresolved issues with and no females, lest you get handsy grabby.

It'll be just me and my wife, so I think things will be fine.

[Kshartle]

This is dangerous because you can't be confident how you will act drunk. I would advise not being around anyone you have unresolved issues with and no females, lest you get handsy grabby.

It'll be just me and my wife, so I think things will be fine.

As long as you don't have unresolved issues. Ah-ha j/k. You'll probably find you bring up some memories from the past and will discuss things you have in common.

[l82start]

Don't eat beforehand, as this will slow absorption.  This is one of the greatest pieces of advice I've ever read.

All of the above should preferably be done during a social activity for maximum enjoyment. This is dangerous because you can't be confident how you will act drunk. I would advise not being around anyone you have unresolved issues with and no females, lest you get handsy grabby.

on the other hand slowing absorption can help extend the enjoyable tipsy faze. Like mountaineer i don't like being sick drunk and an empty stomach can lead to that feeling hitting me far quicker, i only ever get tipsy/buzzed in social situations that require it, if i drink alone or with a meal i never drink enough for to have any effect, one or two beers/glasses of wine for taste is enough and i don't drink more... when i am in a social situation the pressure to avoid being sloppy,stupid or sick is much higher and (along with experience) it helps me pace my self.
i also agree with mountaineers observation about mixed drinks going down easier but coming back up hard  ....horrid..... 
  drinking straight liquor such as scotch or bourbon (with ice or water) is an acquired taste in some ways, but the feel and taste of its strength with each sip is another reminder to slow your consumption and stay within your bodies limits..  the goal (or result) shouldn't be to get drunk, fall down, feel sick, pass out..  the more enjoyable goal is to drink enough to feel it, and manage to stay in that comfortable buzz, while continuing to drink, without ever going past it into drunken misery.

[dragoncar]

  You should be a life coach, Kshartle.

I figured dragoncar was talking about other people's enjoyment.

I just meant don't do this alone, or just watching a movie or something.  Hanging out with the wife is fine as a social activity.  Obviously you should pick your companions well.

[Xan]

I'd vote for a whiskey sour, if you like things that are tart at all.  Make it REAL tart and you'll never notice the whiskey.

[rickb]

Ugh, wine. I can't stand it.

Wines vary more than you might believe.  For example, dessert wines seem to fit your requirements fairly well (not carbonated, not in the least bitter - in fact sweet enough to drink with an extremely sweet dessert like pecan pie).  These wines can be nearly syrupy sweet - they're made from grapes that have one way or another lost most of their water so the sugar percentage in the juice they start with is extraordinarily high and remains quite high after fermentation.  They can be quite expensive, and are often sold in half bottles.  These are wines like French Sauternes (completely different from US Sauterne - with no "s"), German Trockenbeerenauslese, German Eiswein (there are Canadian Icewines as well), and US Late Harvest Riesling.

German Rieslings have a sweetness rating ranging from fairly dry (wine you may not like) to extremely sweet syrupy dessert wine.  In order (not as sweet to extremely sweet) these are:  Kabinett, Spätlese, Auslese, Beerenauslese, Eiswein, Trockenbeerenauslese.  Somewhere along this range (I think between Auslese and Beerenauslese) the wines will be sweeter than white grape juice you'd buy in the grocery store.

Another possibility is port or sherry.  These have about twice the alcohol content of regular wine (they're made by adding alcohol to wine).  Port goes together very well with dark chocolate, or various cheeses (blue cheese, for example), or nuts (like almonds or walnuts).  You could try a glass of port in a (upscale) restaurant with your dessert without needing to buy an entire bottle.  One advantage to the fortified wines is that an open bottle will keep for a week or two.

[Gosso]

PS,

The most palatable way to get "a buzz on" that I can think of is to mix peach schnapps with orange juice.  The fruit flavors tend to overwhelm the taste of alcohol.  I'd go 1 part schnapps and 4 parts OJ, which would give you an alcohol content of around 5% (same as beer, assuming the schnapps is 24%).  Make sure it is really cold (place the schnapps in the freezer and add some ice to the drink), since this helps numb the taste of alcohol.

I'd vote for a whiskey sour, if you like things that are tart at all.  Make it REAL tart and you'll never notice the whiskey.

That's one of my favorites.  I'll sometimes add Angostura bitters to give it a little more "pop".  So it is a sort of blend between an old fashioned and a whiskey sour.  I'll need to think of a name for it... the "Fashionably Sour". 

[ns3]

Vodka is pretty tasteless and you can mix it with just about anything that suits your fancy.

Go slow though. Because you can't taste it, it sneaks up on you fast. The worst drunken experiences I've had have been with vodka.

And do let us know how it goes whatever you decide on.

[dragoncar]

PS,

The most palatable way to get "a buzz on" that I can think of is to mix peach schnapps with orange juice.  The fruit flavors tend to overwhelm the taste of alcohol.  I'd go 1 part schnapps and 4 parts OJ, which would give you an alcohol content of around 5% (same as beer, assuming the schnapps is 24%).  Make sure it is really cold (place the schnapps in the freezer and add some ice to the drink), since this helps numb the taste of alcohol.

I drank fuzzy navels almost exclusively in college.  It was super manly.

[HB Reader]

Whatever you decide to drink, avoid malt liquor.  It was my first bad experience with alcohol many years ago (I assumed it was like beer) and I continue to avoid it to this day.  Fortunately, most of the alternatives you've heard mentioned here so far are much better.

[Gosso]

PS,

The most palatable way to get "a buzz on" that I can think of is to mix peach schnapps with orange juice.  The fruit flavors tend to overwhelm the taste of alcohol.  I'd go 1 part schnapps and 4 parts OJ, which would give you an alcohol content of around 5% (same as beer, assuming the schnapps is 24%).  Make sure it is really cold (place the schnapps in the freezer and add some ice to the drink), since this helps numb the taste of alcohol.

I drank fuzzy navels almost exclusively in college.  It was super manly.

Haha!  Fuzzy navels may not be overly manly, but they're freaken tasty (don't read this sentence out of context ).  A good gateway alcoholic drink, and seems to meet PS's requirements.

Vodka is pretty tasteless and you can mix it with just about anything that suits your fancy.

Go slow though. Because you can't taste it, it sneaks up on you fast. The worst drunken experiences I've had have been with vodka.

And do let us know how it goes whatever you decide on.

I also forgot about vodka, but that's because I can't drink it anymore (same with rum).  Which is fine since all I need is Canadian whiskey and single-malt scotch (although I'll go with blended scotch when I'm feeling cheap).

[ns3]

I'm not sure I have a good handle on your taste bud issues, but if I was advising a young man without any such issues who wanted to do what you are proposing, I'd advise sitting at the bar and ordering Long Island Ice Tea's until you reach your goal.