The Wisdom of Jack Handey

[MediumTex]

I was thinking about Jack Handey earlier and thought I would share some of his outstanding insights for anyone who isn't familiar with his work.

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If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

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Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

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When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

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It's true that every time you hear a bell ring, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

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If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.

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It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

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My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.

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I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

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Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

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Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

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If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

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When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.

[l82start]

"it’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."

[Lone Wolf]

Those are great. 

I remember these bits from Saturday Night Live.  I have this memory of assuming Jack Handey was a made-up character read in Phil Hartmann's voice.  Not true!  I looked up "Jack Handey" only to learn that he's been a real guy all this time.

[MediumTex]

Those are great. 

I remember these bits from Saturday Night Live.  I have this memory of assuming Jack Handey was a made-up character read in Phil Hartmann's voice.  Not true!  I looked up "Jack Handey" only to learn that he's been a real guy all this time.

Here he is:

[notsheigetz]

"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."

But I have to admit I never heard of Jack Handey before MT's post. Guess I need to watch more TV.

[Greg]

"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."

But I have to admit I never heard of Jack Handey before MT's post. Guess I need to watch more TV.

No need to watch more TV. Just read the executive summaries of people that watch TV on this forum. You get so much more done that way! hah.

[dualstow]

Those are great. 

I remember these bits from Saturday Night Live.  I have this memory of assuming Jack Handey was a made-up character read in Phil Hartmann's voice.  Not true!  I looked up "Jack Handey" only to learn that he's been a real guy all this time.

Me too. After this thread began, I thought, I wonder which Saturday Night Live cast member(s) wrote this, anyway. We were living in a dark cave before Wikipedia.

[Kriegsspiel]

LOL.  I love Jack Handy "out of left field" delivery.

[dualstow]

Dude wrote a novel!
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/stor ... =208825152

[Gumby]

Dude wrote a novel!
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/stor ... =208825152

Yeah, he's been getting a lot of good press recently.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/21/magaz ... wanted=all

[MediumTex]

Dude wrote a novel!
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/stor ... =208825152

Yeah, he's been getting a lot of good press recently.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/21/magaz ... wanted=all

It's strange that I started this thread when I did.  I hadn't seen any of that coverage.