700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

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700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by Smith1776 » Mon Sep 28, 2020 9:19 am

I've been told that writing about traumatic experiences can help to alleviate the deleterious impacts they have on our lives. So, to that end, here goes.

(TL;DR in second post)

I've been off the forum for a while. Here's why.

A couple weeks ago I reconnected with an old flame, let's call her Kerry. Kerry is someone that I've been on again, off again for about 3 years. We reconnect, we fall apart. We experience fights, we break up. All through that time though, she was someone that I never really stopped loving.

I sent her a message on Facebook on a whim that couple weeks ago. I don't know why. It just seemed like the right thing to do in the moment. We started talking. That first night we chatted online for probably about 4 hours or so. We were reconnecting and it was electric. We reminisced about old times, joked about everything from Chinese culture to politically correct culture. We talked about us, and we even talked marriage.

By the 4th night of talking for hours we went from texting to voice, and it was just as electric. Amazing conversations going on for hours. I was in love again. After just the 4th or 5th night of talking, before I know it, I'm making plans to make the drive from Vancouver to Edmonton. At this point I feel like I don't have control over myself. It's as if the thoughtful part of me is just the passenger in a vehicle watching that vehicle drive off a cliff. At this point all I want is to see her, and nothing will stop me. (One of my friends is a doctor, so more on the brain stuff later.)

Kerry lives in a small town in Alberta called Bonnyville and I live in Vancouver. We decide to meet in Edmonton. I'm not going to lie to you guys, I even brought an engagement ring.

I embark on the 700 mile drive about a week ago. I drive all day. I'm excited but it still doesn't feel like it's me doing any of this. It still feels like I'm just the passenger in my body and I'm watching myself do it. All throughout my time on the drive Kerry is texting me and calling me. Virtually she's keeping me company. She feels like a real girlfriend now.

I arrive a day before Kerry will be there. This gives me time to prep and also hang out with a childhood friend that happens to live there.

At this point I should mention that I've been putting pressure on everyone around me. I was like a man possessed. I was pressuring this friend to let me stay with him. I was pressuring coworkers to take my shifts so I could come to Alberta. I was getting course extensions in school. I am not present when hanging with my friend -- not mentally at least. I can't stop thinking about Kerry. I was so rude.

The next day I arrive at the hotel expecting Kerry. She comes around 6pm and knocks on the door. I open it and it's her. It's HER. I am the happiest man on the planet. It was probably the happiest moment of my life. She steps into the room and unpacks. We start talking. It's funny, it's fun, we get nostalgic again.

We don't talk for long of course. We get busy and head out to The Keg afterwards for dinner. We come back and get busy again. I present her with the engagement ring afterwards and she puts it on. We fall asleep as Netflix plays in the background she still has the ring on...

The next day her personality flips. A loving and amicable visit suddenly turns into emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and even violence. She headbutts me at point. She yells at me. She gives me the cold shoulder then reverse, then cold shoulder again. I have scratch marks on my body. All throughout I still keep telling her (and myself) that I love her.

By the evening of the second night I am reduced to tears. I cannot be in the same room with this woman. The hotel room is trashed. It's 4am and I am sitting at the end of the hallway in the hotel crying. A man comes out of his room and sees me. He asks me if I'm okay and I respond "No." He walks away. Of course, what can he do? I sit at the end of this hallway in this hotel. In this strange city 700 miles from home. With an abusive soon to be ex-girlfriend that I can't bear to be in the same room with. In that hallway I cycle between calling the suicide hotline, crying, and catching a little sleep.

The next morning I am emotionally tortured. More gaslighting. More manipulation. She's not hurting and she doesn't give a shit that I'm hurting. I leave in tears to start my 12 hour drive home on maybe 2.5 hours of sleep. I leave with the engagement ring fortunately in my pocket.

This is the worst day of my life. That 12 hour drive home on 2.5 hours of sleep, alone with my thoughts, is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do emotionally. I spent half the time crying, and the other half on the suicide hotline. They are talking me down and trying to keep me from doing anything rash.

I arrive at my godparents' house and they console me. I begin to feel a sense of normality. The husband, let's call him Shawn, tells me that it doesn't surprise him that I felt like the passenger in my body the past couple weeks. There are two parts to the brain. A thoughtful part, and a part that controls basic instincts. The part of my brain that had taken over was the one determining basic instincts, and the thoughtful part was just the observer. There was a physiological reality to my "feeling" of being a passenger. It's not just a metaphor.

I am home now. This was a long post but believe me when I say that this is nothing. I could have easily made this post 10 times longer, but I need it to be in a form people will realistically consume. I'm tired too. I'm exhausted. I just returned the engagement ring. I cried. Someone at work today was wearing the same perfume Kerry wears. I cried again.

I miss her so much still. Despite the fact that some of my friends are saying I should file charges for violence like headbutting. I apologize for the poor quality of the prose in this post. I'm just so tired.
Last edited by Smith1776 on Mon Sep 28, 2020 9:22 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by Smith1776 » Mon Sep 28, 2020 9:22 am

TL;DR

Reconnected with an old flame in Alberta. I drove there (engagement ring in hand) to propose and expecting a happily ever after. Turns out I was manipulated into going there. She abused me physically and emotionally. Used me sexually a few times. And then checked out. I have the worst night of my life crying in a hotel hallway till 5am and I make the drive home the next day telling people on the suicide hotline I want to drive off a cliff. Home now and recovering.

p.s. I apologize for not being present lately on the forum.... and I also don't mean to lay my shit out on other people. Just thought it was healthy to share.
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by Kriegsspiel » Mon Sep 28, 2020 9:33 am

This is a tough one, since I don't have emotions. At least you got used sexually a few times :-\

Drink water and go do a lot of exercise and you'll feel better.
You there, Ephialtes. May you live forever.
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by vnatale » Mon Sep 28, 2020 9:39 am

Smith1776 wrote: ↑
Mon Sep 28, 2020 9:19 am
I've been told that writing about traumatic experiences can help to alleviate the deleterious impacts they have on our lives. So, to that end, here goes.

(TL;DR in second post)

I've been off the forum for a while. Here's why.

A couple weeks ago I reconnected with an old flame, let's call her Kerry. Kerry is someone that I've been on again, off again for about 3 years. We reconnect, we fall apart. We experience fights, we break up. All through that time though, she was someone that I never really stopped loving.

I sent her a message on Facebook on a whim that couple weeks ago. I don't know why. It just seemed like the right thing to do in the moment. We started talking. That first night we chatted online for probably about 4 hours or so. We were reconnecting and it was electric. We reminisced about old times, joked about everything from Chinese culture to politically correct culture. We talked about us, and we even talked marriage.

By the 4th night of talking for hours we went from texting to voice, and it was just as electric. Amazing conversations going on for hours. I was in love again. After just the 4th or 5th night of talking, before I know it, I'm making plans to make the drive from Vancouver to Edmonton. At this point I feel like I don't have control over myself. It's as if the thoughtful part of me is just the passenger in a vehicle watching that vehicle drive off a cliff. At this point all I want is to see her, and nothing will stop me. (One of my friends is a doctor, so more on the brain stuff later.)

Kerry lives in a small town in Alberta called Bonnyville and I live in Vancouver. We decide to meet in Edmonton. I'm not going to lie to you guys, I even brought an engagement ring.

I embark on the 700 mile drive about a week ago. I drive all day. I'm excited but it still doesn't feel like it's me doing any of this. It still feels like I'm just the passenger in my body and I'm watching myself do it. All throughout my time on the drive Kerry is texting me and calling me. Virtually she's keeping me company. She feels like a real girlfriend now.

I arrive a day before Kerry will be there. This gives me time to prep and also hang out with a childhood friend that happens to live there.

At this point I should mention that I've been putting pressure on everyone around me. I was like a man possessed. I was pressuring this friend to let me stay with him. I was pressuring coworkers to take my shifts so I could come to Alberta. I was getting course extensions in school. I am not present when hanging with my friend -- not mentally at least. I can't stop thinking about Kerry. I was so rude.

The next day I arrive at the hotel expecting Kerry. She comes around 6pm and knocks on the door. I open it and it's her. It's HER. I am the happiest man on the planet. It was probably the happiest moment of my life. She steps into the room and unpacks. We start talking. It's funny, it's fun, we get nostalgic again.

We don't talk for long of course. We get busy and head out to The Keg afterwards for dinner. We come back and get busy again. I present her with the engagement ring afterwards and she puts it on. We fall asleep as Netflix plays in the background she still has the ring on...

The next day her personality flips. A loving and amicable visit suddenly turns into emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and even violence. She headbutts me at point. She yells at me. She gives me the cold shoulder then reverse, then cold shoulder again. I have scratch marks on my body. All throughout I still keep telling her (and myself) that I love her.

By the evening of the second night I am reduced to tears. I cannot be in the same room with this woman. The hotel room is trashed. It's 4am and I am sitting at the end of the hallway in the hotel crying. A man comes out of his room and sees me. He asks me if I'm okay and I respond "No." He walks away. Of course, what can he do? I sit at the end of this hallway in this hotel. In this strange city 700 miles from home. With an abusive soon to be ex-girlfriend that I can't bear to be in the same room with. In that hallway I cycle between calling the suicide hotline, crying, and catching a little sleep.

The next morning I am emotionally tortured. More gaslighting. More manipulation. She's not hurting and she doesn't give a shit that I'm hurting. I leave in tears to start my 12 hour drive home on maybe 2.5 hours of sleep. I leave with the engagement ring fortunately in my pocket.

This is the worst day of my life. That 12 hour drive home on 2.5 hours of sleep, alone with my thoughts, is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do emotionally. I spent half the time crying, and the other half on the suicide hotline. They are talking me down and trying to keep me from doing anything rash.

I arrive at my godparents' house and they console me. I begin to feel a sense of normality. The husband, let's call him Shawn, tells me that it doesn't surprise him that I felt like the passenger in my body the past couple weeks. There are two parts to the brain. A thoughtful part, and a part that controls basic instincts. The part of my brain that had taken over was the one determining basic instincts, and the thoughtful part was just the observer. There was a physiological reality to my "feeling" of being a passenger. It's not just a metaphor.

I am home now. This was a long post but believe me when I say that this is nothing. I could have easily made this post 10 times longer, but I need it to be in a form people will realistically consume. I'm tired too. I'm exhausted. I just returned the engagement ring. I cried. Someone at work today was wearing the same perfume Kerry wears. I cried again.

I miss her so much still. Despite the fact that some of my friends are saying I should file charges for violence like headbutting. I apologize for the poor quality of the prose in this post. I'm just so tired.
You have a ton going for you. I'm glad you are still with us.

You have a lot of the ingredients to lead a LONG & HAPPY life.

Hopefully, the above can soon (emotionally) be in your deep past. Probably will take awhile, though.

You just proved that you are human, susceptible to valid human needs.

We ALL stand behind you in hoping that not too long in the future you are informing us that you FINALLY have found your soul mate. Then you continually updating us on all the good things that are happening to you and your soul mate and a future family.

We NEED to keep you around in this world. You ARE one of the positive net contributors to this world.

Vinny
Above provided by: Vinny, who always says: "I only regret that I have but one lap to give to my cats." AND "I'm a more-is-more person."
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by pp4me » Mon Sep 28, 2020 10:38 am

Obviously you aren't seeing the humor in the story yet. Give it time.
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by Tortoise » Mon Sep 28, 2020 12:37 pm

+1 on the likely BPD. You dodged a bullet, Smith.

Delete her contact info from your phone, unfriend her on social media, etc. No good would come of connecting with her ever again, so there's no reason to give yourself that possibility in a future moment of weakness.

I couldn't help but notice that your drive from Vancouver to Edmonton was 5x longer than her drive from Bonnyville to Edmonton. Not exactly meeting halfway. Plus, you were the one who reinitiated contact with her. Those two things alone speak volumes about the power dynamic in the relationship. When one person has all of the power in a relationship -- even if she doesn't suffer from BPD -- it rarely ends well for the other person.

Like pp4me, I also think you'll eventually distill at least one great stand-up comedy bit from this experience. Stay strong and keep doing your thing.
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by I Shrugged » Mon Sep 28, 2020 12:41 pm

Yeah, you dodged a bullet. Big time. Now you don't have to wonder what if.

I bet most of us have had our heart broken. It sucks at the time. But as trite as the saying is, it's true, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by Cortopassi » Mon Sep 28, 2020 2:22 pm

My life is really boring...Thank God.

Sorry about your experience, Smith.
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by stuper1 » Mon Sep 28, 2020 3:42 pm

Smith1776,

I've had my heart broken several times. It stinks. It's terrible. But life is a beautiful thing. Don't throw it away, Just to be alive and feel emotions is mind blowing. If you can find something in nature that you see as beautiful, that can be a great thing outside yourself to focus on. Maybe read some good books about the intricacies of nature, ecosystems, life if you have any interest in that sort of thing. Don't give up. You seem like a great guy around here. There are millions of women who should be thrilled to be with somebody like you. I'm sure you've heard this many times before, but it really does seem to be true, that you will probably find real love by not trying to find it, but by just getting very involved in other interests that you are passionate about and then love will find you seemingly by accident. I could be wrong about that too. Different things work for different people. Either way, don't give up.
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by pp4me » Mon Sep 28, 2020 3:57 pm

There was a girl in Olongapo in the Philippines I thought I was in love with when I was in the Navy until she stole my camera. When I went to retrieve it her Filipino boyfriend was there as well as another Navy sailor who was her new American boyfriend. Both were incensed, but the Filipino actually put a gun to my head and was ready to pull the trigger and probably would have if all the girls in the house weren't begging and screaming for him not to do it.

So I feel your pain. If he had pulled the trigger I'd probably feel different about it but many years later it makes for an interesting story and just part of life's adventure.

My advice probably sucks but it's all I've got and today life at age 71 is wonderful. Hard to imagine how it could be better sometimes.
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by Smith1776 » Tue Sep 29, 2020 10:19 am

Hey everyone. I read your messages and between the humour and support I'm really thrilled. It seems like it's just a pretty constant string of trial and heartbreak over here, but what can you do? I'm putting myself out there and trying my best.

Back again to my godparents. I mentioned that Shawn is a doctor who knows a ton about the brain. He basically said that for me this woman, for whatever reason, is causing my brain to secrete hyper normal levels of hormones and chemicals so that she essentially is like a kind of addiction. Driving 700 miles out to Edmonton to meet someone on just a few days notice is not something you do under normal circumstances. My behaviour was pretty much that of one of the drug addicts he treats regularly.

I've been told that the chemicals and hormones secreted by the body into the brain are just as powerful as any street drug. This totally explains why I felt like I was "watching" myself engage in these actions over the past couple weeks. I felt like I wasn't really in control.

It's early here in Vancouver. I'm up and I'm going to do my best to be productive and safe.
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by Smith1776 » Tue Sep 29, 2020 10:34 am

Tortoise wrote: ↑
Mon Sep 28, 2020 12:37 pm
+1 on the likely BPD. You dodged a bullet, Smith.
MangoMan wrote: ↑
Mon Sep 28, 2020 11:42 am
This woman has BPD. Run far and fast. Long distance relationships are difficult to begin with, but when one of the people is unstable, it is impossible.

It's funny. Shawn (the doctor guy) said the exact same thing: BPD. He also said there might be some other mental health issues there.
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by Smith1776 » Tue Sep 29, 2020 10:37 am

There was a flash of happiness and harmony there for a moment. Here's the ring and us holding hands.



IMG_7036-1.jpg
IMG_7036-1.jpg (72.29 KiB) Viewed 3659 times
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by drumminj » Tue Sep 29, 2020 3:00 pm

Smith1776 wrote: ↑
Tue Sep 29, 2020 10:37 am
Here's the ring and us holding hands.

IMG_7036-1.jpg
Smith, trust me...I've dated my share of unstable women and let me tell you...from the pic I can tell that's definitely a crazy woman's hand >:D

Someday soon you'll realize you dodged a bullet there!
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by Mark Leavy » Tue Sep 29, 2020 3:08 pm

drumminj wrote: ↑
Tue Sep 29, 2020 3:00 pm

Smith, trust me...I've dated my share of unstable women and let me tell you...from the pic I can tell that's definitely a crazy woman's hand >:D

Someday soon you'll realize you dodged a bullet there!
That dude's hand looks like he just got out of a bar fight. I don't know. Could be a match...

Cheers, Smith and welcome back.
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by Smith1776 » Tue Sep 29, 2020 4:21 pm

drumminj wrote: ↑
Tue Sep 29, 2020 3:00 pm
Smith, trust me...I've dated my share of unstable women and let me tell you...from the pic I can tell that's definitely a crazy woman's hand >:D

Someday soon you'll realize you dodged a bullet there!
Mark Leavy wrote: ↑
Tue Sep 29, 2020 3:08 pm
That dude's hand looks like he just got out of a bar fight. I don't know. Could be a match...

Cheers, Smith and welcome back.
Thank you, guys. Those scratches on my knuckle are from her. I have more scratches on my body, and I also have a lip that is split on the inside from when she headbutted me in the mouth.
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by Tortoise » Tue Sep 29, 2020 4:25 pm

Smith1776 wrote: ↑
Tue Sep 29, 2020 4:21 pm
Thank you, guys. Those scratches on my knuckle are from her. I have more scratches on my body, and I also have a lip that is split on the inside from when she headbutted me in the mouth.
Wait, hold up. Just so we're clear: You took that engagement ring photo after she scratched you up?
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by Smith1776 » Tue Sep 29, 2020 4:27 pm

stuper1 wrote: ↑
Mon Sep 28, 2020 3:42 pm
Smith1776,

I've had my heart broken several times. It stinks. It's terrible. But life is a beautiful thing. Don't throw it away, Just to be alive and feel emotions is mind blowing. If you can find something in nature that you see as beautiful, that can be a great thing outside yourself to focus on. Maybe read some good books about the intricacies of nature, ecosystems, life if you have any interest in that sort of thing. Don't give up. You seem like a great guy around here. There are millions of women who should be thrilled to be with somebody like you. I'm sure you've heard this many times before, but it really does seem to be true, that you will probably find real love by not trying to find it, but by just getting very involved in other interests that you are passionate about and then love will find you seemingly by accident. I could be wrong about that too. Different things work for different people. Either way, don't give up.
I was definitely feeling like giving up. Especially during that drive home. 12 hours alone and on the highway with 2.5 hours of sleep was pretty damn dicey.

I am currently lining up my week with productive and social things to do. Trying to minimize my alone time except for when I'm working on projects.
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by Smith1776 » Tue Sep 29, 2020 4:27 pm

Tortoise wrote: ↑
Tue Sep 29, 2020 4:25 pm
Smith1776 wrote: ↑
Tue Sep 29, 2020 4:21 pm
Thank you, guys. Those scratches on my knuckle are from her. I have more scratches on my body, and I also have a lip that is split on the inside from when she headbutted me in the mouth.
Wait, hold up. Just so we're clear: You took that engagement ring photo after she scratched you up?
Yes, and even after she headbutted me.

EDIT: like I mentioned... she is very manipulative. I just don't see it in the moment when I'm with her.
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by Kriegsspiel » Tue Sep 29, 2020 4:37 pm

This is golden stand up material.
You there, Ephialtes. May you live forever.
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by Xan » Tue Sep 29, 2020 5:12 pm

Smith1776 wrote: ↑
Tue Sep 29, 2020 4:27 pm
Tortoise wrote: ↑
Tue Sep 29, 2020 4:25 pm
Smith1776 wrote: ↑
Tue Sep 29, 2020 4:21 pm
Thank you, guys. Those scratches on my knuckle are from her. I have more scratches on my body, and I also have a lip that is split on the inside from when she headbutted me in the mouth.
Wait, hold up. Just so we're clear: You took that engagement ring photo after she scratched you up?
Yes, and even after she headbutted me.

EDIT: like I mentioned... she is very manipulative. I just don't see it in the moment when I'm with her.
Wow!

Okay, I'll ask another question we're all thinking: how did you get the ring back?
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by Smith1776 » Tue Sep 29, 2020 5:44 pm

Xan wrote: ↑
Tue Sep 29, 2020 5:12 pm

Wow!

Okay, I'll ask another question we're all thinking: how did you get the ring back?
I nabbed it when I went to go take a shower and had left it on the nightstand.

Man... how many heartbreaks does that make it this year? ::)
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by l82start » Tue Sep 29, 2020 7:00 pm

hang in there and enjoy the ride,
the rush of chemistry and hormones fades with age, and wisdom takes time to grow.. its pretty rare to have both at the same time, so by the time you are wise enough to know better, you will be wishing for the good old days when you had enough of the chemistry and hormones to get swept away....
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by Kriegsspiel » Tue Sep 29, 2020 7:52 pm

Yea, once the fire dies out you'll lose the zest for the BPD hottie who's naughty and go for the plain Jane who's sane.
You there, Ephialtes. May you live forever.
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Re: 700 Miles For Heartbreak: An Alberta Story

Post by Smith1776 » Tue Sep 29, 2020 8:51 pm

l82start wrote: ↑
Tue Sep 29, 2020 7:00 pm
hang in there and enjoy the ride,
the rush of chemistry and hormones fades with age, and wisdom takes time to grow.. its pretty rare to have both at the same time, so by the time you are wise enough to know better, you will be wishing for the good old days when you had enough of the chemistry and hormones to get swept away....
Ray dalio did some study in this area. I seem to remember him saying that happiness tends to peak as people enter late middle age and elderly years.

I am doing my best to gain that kind of inner peace. I currently don’t have that kind of emotional stability.
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